Sunday, May 31, 2009

Tattoos and Piercings and Mods, oh my!!

(Yes, I used Angelina for this. Why the hell not?)

First, let me start off by saying I have nothing against tattoos or piercings. I have five tattoos and a pierced ear. Kind of traditional, though. I got mine in the 80's, back when they were pretty much still the domain of bikers, the military, and convicts. I even worked in a Louisiana tattoo shop designing custom flashes (designs) freehand. Yep, there's people with my artwork running around. One is this girl we called Rat - she had a thing for rats. I made up one of a rat clawing into her... wonder how THAT'S looking twenty five years later.

(Cool tattoo. Big, but cool. Just sucks that he'll never see it.)
Tattoos. Years ago, they were just individual designs scattered about the body so that if you had enough of them, you looked a little like a graffiti'd wall in some slum somewhere. My father had 22. My son is new generation - he has three that I know of, but in traditional places. Very nice ones, too. The artwork is totally different - no pictures you can get from a gumball machine anymore.

Traditional places, you ask? They were places that could be covered if needed. No hand or face tattoos - nothing says blowing that accounting interview like a Gothic Fuck You tattoo on your neck. Or worse - the teardrop.
INTERVIEWER: Umm.. says you have a degree in accounting - sorry, I'm distracted.
TAT GUY: By what?
INTERVIEWER: Your tattoo. The teardrop. What's that about?
TAT GUY: Oh that. That's nothing. I killed a guy in prison while I was getting my degree.
INTERVIEWER: (shifting uncomfortably) Uh... huh. Okay... well, we DO have an opening in our janitorial staff...

So much for the prison education system. And on women - I have nothing against tattoos. Love them. But think before you put one on - these are for life. Men (yes, not fair, I know) can get away with more body "shift" when it comes to tats. Most are on our arms, backs, or chests. Gravity doesn't affect us much there. So when you get that butterfly on your breast - take care of yourself! Otherwise you'll end up with a gay dragon.

(Tramp Stamp beautifully done.)
And if you go for the infamous "tramp stamp" (we love them) stick with something tasteful. They're meant to be sexy. For the most part, they are. But some... are just scary. Like the one below...

(Oral fixation, have we?)
I thought it was just and oversized butterfly at first. Turns out it's a slutty Rorschach test. Tells me that it's not a tattoo - it's a bull's-eye. Anyone who goes within five feet of it is going to need penicillin. Just as bad -

(got a nickel?)

Almost makes me want to shave mine off. But enough about that. Let's find the truly - shall we say - unusual individuals? The ones who can't find a job where they're exposed to daylight. Like say you had a blind date and this greeted you at the door...

(and lo, the Gates of Hell opened and threw this ugly fucker out.)

If you weren't blind at arrival, I'm pretty sure you would be right after. I like piercings - ears, belly buttons, tongues, the little nose ones - and even the occasional nipple. But damn! What are these people thinking? They do know that they MAY live past 30, right? That at some point, they need to make a living?

In researching the piercing images, I was reminded of some of the places people liked to get them. Ouch. NO ONE will ever get me to willingly get my scrotum pierced. And body hooks? Are you fucking serious? Why would anyone want piercings that could get them hung up at a loading dock? Imagine airport security.
SECURITY: Empty your pockets,please.
PIERCED: They are empty.
SECURITY: I'm detecting metal. Could you take it out, please?
PIERCED: Okay... if you insist (ZIIIIP!)
SECURITY: (wiping away vomit) Holy fuck! Why would you do that? Twelve times?
PIERCED: Enhances sexual pleasure.
SECURITY: Yeah, but who'd want to fuck it?

See the dilemma? And then there's mods. They're leftover parts, mostly. I think they put them in with a power nailer. And yes, that's his actual EARS.

(No, keep the magnets away! Stop fucking around!)
This guy is actually one of the milder types. Guess he plans on going to hell and wants to look the part. Can't be to pick up chicks.

Unless he has a blind date.

1 comment:

  1. Oh noooooo, The butterfly had me going.. then I saw those absolutely delightful errr um, you know those ones, the ones you don't take home to meet mum, particularly if she doesn't feel well to begin with... this was SO funny... those pictures are brilliant.. thank you xx