Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The Sexes...and Justice.

I like to study human nature. Okay, I like to watch people so I can make fun of them. It's that little part of New Jersey in me that never went away (though I managed to exorcise the rest. You should have seen me before.) There's a lot of differences in how people approach life - some based on culture, some based on gender. It even affects things like justice systems.

Justice systems, you ask? Well.... now that you mention it, yes. See, in some places like Iraq or China, you kill someone, you encounter "Alive at Five, Dead by Six" justice. Televised execution. Don't know if it's effective, but there's no repeat offenders. In the States, you either get life or death, which can be appealed till the end of your natural life. Except in Texas. Might as well be in China. In Canada, where I currently live, you get a ticket.

Then there's gender. Mostly the difference in thinking and how we think the other thinks. Fuck, that's too much thinking. It's like this. Some of you might learn something. Especially women, because you think WAAAAY too much.

Guys - don't try to figure out how a woman thinks. Take it from an 0-2 on the married thing. Women are sweet but tricky. They love to tell you about their thoughts and problems. DON'T solve them. You try, and you'll be batting with your right hand for awhile. Some, not all, women like to lay verbal traps. WATCH OUT! If you answer the question (it's always a fucking question, half the time just to see if you heard anything beyond white noise) wrong, your dick will end up having more dust on it than an MC Hammer record. Don't tap dance in the mine field.

Oh, and occasionally a woman will relate and insecurity (usually about her body.) She may be no J-Lo, but if you love the way she looks, tell her. Just do it tactfully. Below is the WRONG way.

HER: God hun, I hate my ass. It's getting huge.

HIM: Hey, baby, I LIKE a big ass! More cushion for the pushin'!

RESULT: Spends two months masturbating while she works it off and fucks her trainer.

Now, the RIGHT way.

HER: God hun, I hate my ass. It's getting huge.

HIM: Sorry, didn't hear you, TV was too loud - man, you look sweet. Did I tell you how sexy you are today?

RESULT: Fucks her for two months while the trainer fucks the first guy's woman.

See? It's possible to get through the minefield.

Oh, and unless your woman is totally secure in herself (like my girlfriend - lucky me!) NEVER say how hot some chick on TV or in a movie is. Insecure women are like elephants that way. They never forget.

Now for the women - understanding a guy. Not much work there. We're wired very simply. Like comparing a Ferrari to a moped. DON'T overthink us. We hate that. I'll bullet a man for you as a simple guide.

1. Is he hungry? Answer: Most of the time. Feed him. Meat. None of that pussy vegan crap.

2. Is he angry? Answer: No, he just hates the fucking chick flicks on W that you make him watch so he can get laid later. Either get another TV or let him play his PS3 without making him feel guilty for it. Fuck.

3. Is he attracted to me? Answer: Hell yes! Stupid question, really. You got all the right parts, don't you? Just act like you're attracted back once in awhile. YOU have the control. We all know what runs the world, and it ain't money.

4. Does he want me? Answer: You're kidding, right? He's a guy. Just fuck him, for Crissakes.

5. Does he LOVE me? Answer: Yes, as long as you feed him, fuck him, and leave him alone when he's on his PS3. You'll have his undying loyalty.

6. What's he thinking? Answer: Probably nothing. Unless he's staring at your tits.

7. No, really. What's he thinking? Answer: He's wondering why you think so GODDAMN much! I already said nothing! Don't analyze it.

Well, you see there's a few differences. Did I educate you? Probably not. But then I'm a guy.

No one ever accused me of thinking.

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