Sunday, January 24, 2010

Seaside Heights... we're not all Guidos.

Some are just Douche-Bags.

Some are both. They're called a "Guidouche." Made it harder to be just a normal guy.

Looks like I'm not the only one.

Funny as Hell.

Special thanks to "Key of Awesome" - check them out on YouTube.

Seaside Heights, NJ... the beach. I rarely actually went on the beach. Umm... during the day.

This was more my playground.... boards at night. More honeypots than a bee farm.

Local honey.

Okay first - let me point something out. There is way more Jersey Shore than just Seaside Heights. You have Point Pleasant, Wildwood, Atlantic City, Island Heights, and Cape May, to name a few. Seaside just happens to be one of the oldest attractions (founded in 1912 and turned into a resort in the early 20's.) And, aside from Atlantic City, one of the only interesting ones. I've been to all of them.

Another busy summer day at Point Pleasant Beach. Woo - hoo.

The only people who call Seaside Heights the Jersey Shore are BENNYs. The acronym stands for: Bayonne, Elizabeth, Newark, New York. It applies to anyone who comes down from up north. (Even you, DJ Paulie D.) Those of us who live nearby simply call it the beach unless someone asks "which beach?" Then we have to cock our heads like a dog hearing something for the first time and grunt "Seaside."

Daytime = locals and assorted old people. You can tell they're not guidos because they get their tan from the sun.

The difference between East coast and West coast boardwalk food - East coast will eventually kill ya, West coast just makes you wish you were dead.

Give you three guesses what the local cuisine influence is.

Had to make sure I got these guys in... awesome food.

I'm thinking that's why the Seaside boardwalk evolved the way it did, though... because of the strong Italian influence in New Jersey and New York, it showed in the way the rest of us recreated. Right down to the food.

You can smell these babies cooking from the lot at the end of the boardwalk. Mmmm.

Best pizza I ever had was in NJ... the one thing I really miss about that place.

I'm not Italian, not even close. Back then, you didn't have to be - just had to have beer, tunes, maybe some weed and a car and the girls flocked. Well, you didn't even need a car, really. That's what the beach was for. Most of the girls I met were local or close at least. The bar there to go to then was the Dutch Mill Inn (burned down a long time ago.) There were what we called "pretty boys," but they just kinda flocked together, acting like idiots and hi-fiving each other. Strangely enough... I don't remember seeing them with any girls. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

The original Guido prototype. Bulletproof hair and Teflon Armani. What? Too soon?

Modern day real NJ Guidos. They didn't make the audition. Too real.

And "Guidos"? Yeah, we had them. It was kind of a tough guy thing there... like a mobster type. Some of them were douches, but most were okay. Just like anyone else. By the way - we didn't make that name up. They did. And I'm pretty sure no self respecting Italian would wear the term Guido as a badge of pride today. Least of all the way it merged into the fuck-mess that it is now. So, my Italian friends past and present, as they say - no disrespect.

Three guidos and a guidouche. Guess which? (hint: Mike) Oompah - loompah- doopity - do, I got another club skank for you...

I saw somewhere that Snooki, one of the girls from the show, offered an explanation on the difference between Guidos and Guidettes. Let me simplify - fake tan, tattoos, over-plucked eyebrows, shaved down, bad makeup, overdone hair, and an obnoxious ignorance that makes you give your head a shake. How do you separate them? Guidettes only act like they have penises.

Q: Can you spot the Guidette? A: Trick question. Trannys don't count.

So, that said, I had to watch this show and see what had everybody in an uproar. The fact that advertisers pulled out is beyond stupid - it only adds to the appeal and thus increases the revenue. People, myself included, had that morbid curiosity all of the sudden: how bad is this train wreck?

First thing I said when I saw this show - "Oh my God! They're using that fucking house? I've been there!"

It's like Friends, but... skeezy.

Turns out, not as bad as I thought. It's no worse than Survivor or Real World or any of those other claustrophobic white trash shows. It's just at the beach. The cast is a - well, can you really call it a cast? That implies acting talent. This is just an assortment of hair gel, makeup, and tanning spray with a few condoms thrown in. If you haven't met them, here they are:

Angelina, Staten Island. She was the closest female to normal.

Jenni, "J-Woww." More like "What the fuck." Has a boyfriend back home, but reminds me of a roller coaster. Everyone gets a ride.

Mike "Situation." The only true Guidouche. Got the shit knocked out of him by Jenni. Will do anyone who comes near him - including some club chick after she gave Vinnie a little treat in the men's room. It's not robbery if you're stealing trash, Mike. (Staten Island.)

Nicole "Snooki", Marlboro, NY. Little Guidette, all hair, push up bras and mouth (which helps explain why she got decked not once, but twice. Not advocating, just saying...) My son, who lives in Toms River (about ten minutes away,) informed me that Snooki is charging 2000.00 a pop to appear with her. For two grand, it better be more than an appearance. On second thought... I'll just keep the money.

DJ Paulie D, Johnston, RI. Probably the closest to the old time Guidos looks-wise, and the only semi-celebrity before he arrived. Not a BENNY - Rhode Island doesn't count. They have enough problems being Rhode Island.

Ronnie, Bronx, NY. Seems like a nice guy most of the time - but the Bronx comes out more often than it should. By the way - that guy who heckled him until they fought on the boardwalk - a cop. He beat down a cop. Middletown Township. They must be so proud. He is the closest anyof the guys get to having a relationship.
Now if he could lose the Dairy Queen swirl on top of his head...

Sammi, Hazlet, NJ. Almost a BENNY. Very insecure, but seems to be a sweet girl just the same. For a Jersey Girl. Ronnie's uh... girlfriend, hookup, whatever. "Situation" said he was gonna rob her from Ronnie. She's not your type, man... she doesn't have a mustache.

Vinnie, Staten Island. Shouldn't even be here. He's not off his mamma's titty yet. Nice kid, though.

To MTV's credit, they did see to it that they embarrassed Atlantic City as well. I can see it now... "Hey! Who let the orange monkeys in da casino???" The only thing that sucks is that they are promoting this as the way of life there. I guess the upside is that for those on the hunt for women, Seaside will be a hotspot when season two rolls around. Just remember, ladies, when you come down to the "Jersey Shore," you're not really likely to get what you see... you're more likely to get this:

They may not be the prettiest crew, but they are one thing: real.

Accept it. You'll have fun. Just remember the next time you might think about visiting the shore - Snooki's waiting... and bring 2000.00. (No one's taken her up on it yet.)

Brought to you by...

Hello Kitty Pizzas. For when you're feeling hungry and just a little gay.