Cable and Twitter...

Funny... I rebuild cable TV plant systems. Upgrade so that people can get their next generation of channels that they'll never watch or increase their internet speed so that their porn isn't as jerky in live feed. Oh, and can't forget their phones... god forbid they use a cell. Or the more reliable PHONE COMPANY.

I'm a Twitter addict. It didn't occur to me till today that while I'm working, there's houses with people trembling and scratching themselves in withdrawal as they wait for their cable DSL to come back on so that they can find out what Ashton Kutcher is doing on the set of his next movie. Or where the next Ding-dong drop is going. (If you followed Twitter, you'd know.) Cable - is addictive, whether as TV, internet, or phone. People can lose their power - no trouble. No water - not a biggie. Gas - I got a microwave. Cable? They lose their fucking minds.

No judge shows. No soaps. No Oprah. No (as one my favorite comics, Lewis Black, puts it,) Dr. Fuck Phil. They actually have to do something. Maybe get off their ass and read a book. Work in the yard. See what life is like outside the living room.

No online games, no Facebook, no MySpace (which no one cares about anyway, except maybe pervs) no Digg, no - Twitter. AAAAAAAAAHHHH!! Wait - you can twitter via text! Fuuuck... your phone is more than a year old. Not gonna work. You meant to upgrade, but you were busy watching TV....

So, me and the guys I work with knock out entire neighborhoods all at once. It usually takes the better part of a day to restore service. People wander out of their homes like zombies in search of brains. And always the same obviously stupid question. (My drill sergeant used to say the only stupid question is the one you don't ask. Apparently he never worked in customer service.)

IDIOT: Cable out?
ME: (up on pole, working) Ummm...yes.
IDIOT: Would that make my internet go out?
ME: You got it through cable?
IDIOT: Umm... yes.
ME: Then yes.
IDIOT: Well for how long?
ME: Couple of days maybe. Depends on how many more STUPID FUCKING QUESTIONS I have to answer. (Actually, a few hours. But it's fun to watch them squirm.)

Then they stare at you. Or have their kids or relatives come and ask how much longer. Or both. We have fun with it sometimes... and hey. If I can't Twitter, why should they? So I sometimes deliberately slow the pace to watch them sweat and talk to themselves. They wanna know what Kirstie Alley is up to, dammit! (BTW - Kirstie is one of the FEW celebs who'll actually take a moment and hold a conversation with you directly. She did it with me a little over a week ago. Love ya, Kirstie!)

It's like yard time at an insane asylum. People want their Mafia Wars, their Facebook, their Twitter. They want to be able to connect with the world.

As long as they don't have to leave the house.

(This blog post is not a product or endorsement of Twitter or any of its celebrity participants. Any reproduction without the expressed written consent of Twitter or its affiliates is perfectly fine, really. No one fucking cares, least of all Twitter.)