Friday, December 24, 2010

Christmas from da Barrio... okay, not really.

Merry Christmas from da Barrio, Holmes…

Lemme introduce da first Christmas to you… it ain’t da way they tell it, esse…
First, you got Jose. He thinks he da baby daddy but he not.
Da baby mama, she be Maria. And then da baby, (yeah, there’s two) Jesus, (like hey – Seuss, bro) and his unknown twin, Juan. Juan became a plumber.

Den, you got da Tres Amigos – they brought presents an’ shit like tacos, burritos, and tequila.
Da dudes wit’ wings – they da Border Patrol. No helicopters back then.
Da homey wit’ da sheep is Juan Valdez, Jose’s cousin from Columbia. He said he brought coffee… I dunno.
The camel? Well hey man, everybody knows – that’s da first Lo – Rider! See da purple seat cover gold trim an’ tassels? Can hold all of them, man…
Now you know da True story of da first Christmas, man…
Feliz Navidad!

Happy Holidays from Kim and Ed!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Even Santa's Workshop has bad ideas...

Christmas ain't Christmas without music...

RUN-DMC - Christmas In Hollis (Official Music Video). Watch more top selected videos about: Run-D.M.C.

Christmas? Paid? Why not, I own your house... hum that bug.
Well, another year has come and the holidays have struck again. It's that time when we celebrate the birth of baby Jesus with something called "Black Friday" and five weeks of battling at the local Wal-Mart for the latest Playstation or Wii game. (Jesus would have wanted it that way.) In fact, if you look real close in the Black Ops commercial, you can see baby Jesus turning water into napalm... (yeah, I'll go to hell for that.)

They should put these on the back of potentially crappy gifts.
Thing is, we've had rough times in the past few years. Gifts have got to be good. You can't afford to spend the house payment money on something that will be re-gifted or end up on an episode of Hoarders because the crazy old lady down the street found it in your garbage. So, in the interest of helping you, the reader, here's some stuff you shouldn't get adults...

Sorry, Santa does good. I do naughty. Well.

So... I looked around. Turns out there's a few things you don't want to give or receive. Shit you won't find on Amazon. Maybe E-bay, yes. You can get used toilet paper there if you bid high enough. So here we go.

For the woman who wants to stay in shape... and drunk.
These are all real gifts. A wine tote bra. So what do you get if you prefer your wine in a box?

I don't know about you, but I wouldn't trust that cup of coffee.
Toilet coffee mug. Great gift for the total shit in your life, I guess.

Ummm... really? Are you seriously that lazy?
A pet... petter? If you're too lazy or germaphobic to have a real pet, try this...

Low maintenance... but not high on the affection chart.
Yes, someone made a fortune off of packing boxes with rubble. Only in America. But then, we also were the first to buy water in bottles because someone said it was cool.
The perfect gift for the OCD hoarder in your life. For the rest of us it's just stupid.
Yup. As if fanny packs weren't gay enough. Now... on to the kids. They don't re-gift, they just break it and forget about it. Wait... they do that with every toy.

Don't you just WANNA be the one to tell him?

For every item they love, there's ten that end up as sharp debris under your feet when you're going to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

It's ours.. it's real... and it's fantastic. Eat that, Terri Hatcher.
Let's see what Santa's "mentally optimistic" (brain half full) elves came up with, huh?
I always heard Dora was a whora, but seriously?
I hear if you rub the base she shoots out the top.

A Braille Rubik's cube. So blind kids can be pissed off, too.
Yeah, a blind joke. I'm not worried... not like they're going to see it.

Balls, nuts... it's all the same.
Not really a toy... unless your daughter is a young Democrat with cankles.

Don't know if this is boring or just plain creepy.
Jesus bobbing in my bath water? Just hope this wasn't a Catholic idea...

This is a Russian Roulette game. The guy who came up with this is a special kind of stupid.
Yeah, really. Nothing like preparing the ol' kids to off themselves...

Barbie's knocked up friend, Midge. Can't have Barbie ruin her figure, can we?
First, pregnant Midge. But as usual, no one cared about Barbie's skeezy friend.

Oh, maybe we can... as long as Barbie did it in high school. Even comes with a cell, money, and a little welfare check.
Pregnant Teen Barbie. Because trailer park girls need something to aspire too... and if you order now, you get free tickets to Maury to find out who Barbie's baby daddy is... 

Yup... a kid's tattoo kit. He can even do Little Mermaid tramp stamps.
Just so the trailer park boys don't feel left out, someone came up with this. Note the camo hat. Bet they're drinking real beer, though...

Ummm... yeah... for that budding cocropheliac in your family...
Hmmm... just a truly shitty gift. And that's about it for this Christmas, folks... spend your money wisely, and enjoy the lovely gifts you receive! Okay, at least pretend to. I'm sure the myrrh got re-gifted, too.

Hey! I had a night of nothing but cookies and milk! What'd you expect to see?

Merry Christmas!!!

Brought to you by...

Pirates of the Seamen Beer - for when you want a little head in your drink! Arrr!!!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

I'm Thinking Gordon Ramsay has owning stock in Fox...

He was such a nice boy...

There's a few of these... this kid is brilliant.

Don't get me wrong... I'm a big fan. I first discovered him on BBC Canada - he was doing his original "Kitchen Nightmares" series, unedited. I thought - man, I like this guy. Seems like a regular guy kind of chef, if such a thing is possible. Amazing what you see when you're off and bored. 
Gordon without the beeps.   
Then he exploded on the American TV scene. Hell's Kitchen. Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares. Now Masterchef. On top of this, he owns or has a share in a number of restaurants. Not bad for a guy who once referred to cooking as a "job for poofs." (Brit for gay or whatever term comes to mind.)
He took the chef image from kinda... well, whatever, to...
...borderline serial killer with anger management issues. You know, cool.
He really is a regular guy outside the kitchen though - born in Scotland, he was raised in England in pretty much a working class lifestyle. The whole chef thing came about when his aspirations to be a soccer pro were ruined do to a destructive series of injuries.

Now THAT's how you make a risotto!
I'm not totally sure how he ended up in TV, but in this world of dumpster-baby network reality TV, it's nice to see something I can learn from. I worked in the restaurant industry for a few years (translated:dishwasher) but I saw what it was like on the line in what people thought were nice restaurants. To some degree I'd say you might be better off eating at McDonald's. Sure the food is assembly line shitty, but it's not picked up off the floor shitty. Still, I learned. 

Think you have what it f(beep)ing takes? Welcome to hell.
Then I saw Hell's Kitchen for the first time. That's when I realized that no matter how much I love to cook, there is a whole different level that I can barely comprehend. And while the ingredients and recipes don't seem all that difficult, the sheer pressure to hammer them out perfectly to order in very little time is more than I care to do. This coming from a person who had to execute artillery fire missions in 60 seconds or less. Little more room for error there, though. No complaints from those receiving the order I sent out. I saw good cooks - and more than a few bozos - go into the meat grinder on that show. They almost always fell victim to the same foods - risotto, scallops, halibut, and the infamous Wellington.
A proper Ramsay Wellington... gonna have to try one sometime. 
Oh, come ON!! If I wanted a plate of dog shit, I'd order one!
So while it's entertaining - I don't think I could do it to that level. Then I saw Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares and it confirmed that there are people who can't begin to fathom that level. (What restaurant serves nuked lasagna? At least two...yuck.)

Guess which one is the guido mooch in the bunch? Hint: not the guy with the tie.

Some of the places were just mismanaged, but others were genuinely disgusting. I shudder to think of the ones the show didn't pick up. Most seemed to survive as a result of his help, though. That's better for those of us who want to dine out. And this summer I was treated to something I thought I'd actually qualify for - Masterchef.

The three Chefs of the Apocalypse...Oregano, Rosemary, and Thyme.
 After the first episode - where the would be chefs were weeded out a la American Idol, I knew that I probably would have a difficult time with some of this stuff. These people started out simple enough, but the tasks - off the top of their heads - were tough if you're not used to that style of cooking. And though I cook well, very little of what I do can be done in less than an hour. Maybe I should try Barbeque Pitmasters. 

Well, the fat one might like this...

Maybe in a year or two he'll start up a show saving mobile kitchens and vending carts. Can you imagine? "You call that a fucking hot dog??? Get out! Get away!"  - New on Fox - Hell's hot dog carts!

Brought to you by...

for when you just give up on finding your penis.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Dr. Laura and my old friend... Karma.

A Fall from grace... kinda.

Dr. Laura, making a speech... kind of reminds me of someone...

Okay, so I know it's been awhile since I posted, but this was too good to pass up. The infamous Dr. Laura, spoofed in the TV show Fraser, finally lost it on the air, showing the rest of the world what the some of us suspected. 

If you've ever had to listen to her - I did, back when I lived in North Dakota (only one radio station was operational after the flood,) you'd know just how rotten a person she is. I would listen in amazement as caller after caller would dial in, get interrupted, then told what a total shit they were because they didn't ascribe to her high moral code. 

Funny thing about that moral code of hers - she wasn't always riding that high horse herself. She's been divorced, had several affairs, and even posed for naked pictures...something I have yet to see anyone I know do.

more like Dr. Whore-a, don't you think?
Better yet - she's a fake. Always has been. She does have a PhD. - but it's in physiology, which, last time I checked, had nothing to do with the state of the mind. She's more than qualified to assess the body, though. I guess she just likes to do that on the side.  Oh sure, she managed to get a certification in family therapy from the state of California, but that's like buying mouse ears and saying you work for Disney. 

So after years of abusing people on air and getting paid well for it, she finally must've believed she was untouchable. I'm not politically correct - far from it. But there are things you don't want to do. A woman, using the caller name Jade, was having trouble in her interracial relationship - she's black, her husband white, and his friends are racist assholes. Which... makes her hubby one by proxy.

Just another day at Jade's house, I reckon...
And... if Dr. Laura had let the woman finish, she might have realized that. Who am I kidding? She would have said the same thing. Just maybe not 11 times. As half of an interracial couple, I personally would have told Jade to take her man aside and put those jackasses in check or lose them. If not, then be ready to lose her. True, it may have killed her marriage, but if it did, then it wasn't worth saving anyway. Besides, it may not have been the word itself she was really bothered by, it was the fact that his friends felt that they could get away with it, maybe to the point of referring to her as one. We'll never really know. What we do know is that it bothered her and Dr. Laura did what she did best - trivialized the problem, humiliated the listener, then finished with that dumb-ass tagline of hers.

Dr. Laura... some gentlemen here to see you. They said Mel sent them.

Welcome to my world - you get to sit in the back of my bus, Laura.  Heh- heh- heh... BLOW ME!
She even managed to overshadow Mel Gibson's crazy ass - a man whom I always respected for his acting ability, but couldn't condone his behavior. At least he's usually drunk when he does his dumb shit. What's your excuse, Dr. Laura?

Sarah Palin - comin' at ya with both barrels...
And then there was the total political genius, Sarah "Great White North" Palin,  who rushed in with her support. As usual, it was misplaced idiocy. Her words? "Don't retreat, reload!" I can almost hear it in some halfwit cheerleader singsong tone... but unlike you, Dr. Laura, I'm pretty sure she owns a gun or twelve.

Brought to you by...

Intratec tec-9 - for when you wanna say something stupid and back it up.

Late update - thanks George Lopez and Arsenio Hall - this via twitter!

Via " The famous Dr. Laura caller, had called Laura BEFORE!? Last time the call ended cause Dr Laura called her a "nappy headed Ho" A-Man's List ! 
Can you believe that shit?

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Seaside Heights... we're not all Guidos.

Some are just Douche-Bags.

Some are both. They're called a "Guidouche." Made it harder to be just a normal guy.

Looks like I'm not the only one.

Funny as Hell.

Special thanks to "Key of Awesome" - check them out on YouTube.

Seaside Heights, NJ... the beach. I rarely actually went on the beach. Umm... during the day.

This was more my playground.... boards at night. More honeypots than a bee farm.

Local honey.

Okay first - let me point something out. There is way more Jersey Shore than just Seaside Heights. You have Point Pleasant, Wildwood, Atlantic City, Island Heights, and Cape May, to name a few. Seaside just happens to be one of the oldest attractions (founded in 1912 and turned into a resort in the early 20's.) And, aside from Atlantic City, one of the only interesting ones. I've been to all of them.

Another busy summer day at Point Pleasant Beach. Woo - hoo.

The only people who call Seaside Heights the Jersey Shore are BENNYs. The acronym stands for: Bayonne, Elizabeth, Newark, New York. It applies to anyone who comes down from up north. (Even you, DJ Paulie D.) Those of us who live nearby simply call it the beach unless someone asks "which beach?" Then we have to cock our heads like a dog hearing something for the first time and grunt "Seaside."

Daytime = locals and assorted old people. You can tell they're not guidos because they get their tan from the sun.

The difference between East coast and West coast boardwalk food - East coast will eventually kill ya, West coast just makes you wish you were dead.

Give you three guesses what the local cuisine influence is.

Had to make sure I got these guys in... awesome food.

I'm thinking that's why the Seaside boardwalk evolved the way it did, though... because of the strong Italian influence in New Jersey and New York, it showed in the way the rest of us recreated. Right down to the food.

You can smell these babies cooking from the lot at the end of the boardwalk. Mmmm.

Best pizza I ever had was in NJ... the one thing I really miss about that place.

I'm not Italian, not even close. Back then, you didn't have to be - just had to have beer, tunes, maybe some weed and a car and the girls flocked. Well, you didn't even need a car, really. That's what the beach was for. Most of the girls I met were local or close at least. The bar there to go to then was the Dutch Mill Inn (burned down a long time ago.) There were what we called "pretty boys," but they just kinda flocked together, acting like idiots and hi-fiving each other. Strangely enough... I don't remember seeing them with any girls. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

The original Guido prototype. Bulletproof hair and Teflon Armani. What? Too soon?

Modern day real NJ Guidos. They didn't make the audition. Too real.

And "Guidos"? Yeah, we had them. It was kind of a tough guy thing there... like a mobster type. Some of them were douches, but most were okay. Just like anyone else. By the way - we didn't make that name up. They did. And I'm pretty sure no self respecting Italian would wear the term Guido as a badge of pride today. Least of all the way it merged into the fuck-mess that it is now. So, my Italian friends past and present, as they say - no disrespect.

Three guidos and a guidouche. Guess which? (hint: Mike) Oompah - loompah- doopity - do, I got another club skank for you...

I saw somewhere that Snooki, one of the girls from the show, offered an explanation on the difference between Guidos and Guidettes. Let me simplify - fake tan, tattoos, over-plucked eyebrows, shaved down, bad makeup, overdone hair, and an obnoxious ignorance that makes you give your head a shake. How do you separate them? Guidettes only act like they have penises.

Q: Can you spot the Guidette? A: Trick question. Trannys don't count.

So, that said, I had to watch this show and see what had everybody in an uproar. The fact that advertisers pulled out is beyond stupid - it only adds to the appeal and thus increases the revenue. People, myself included, had that morbid curiosity all of the sudden: how bad is this train wreck?

First thing I said when I saw this show - "Oh my God! They're using that fucking house? I've been there!"

It's like Friends, but... skeezy.

Turns out, not as bad as I thought. It's no worse than Survivor or Real World or any of those other claustrophobic white trash shows. It's just at the beach. The cast is a - well, can you really call it a cast? That implies acting talent. This is just an assortment of hair gel, makeup, and tanning spray with a few condoms thrown in. If you haven't met them, here they are:

Angelina, Staten Island. She was the closest female to normal.

Jenni, "J-Woww." More like "What the fuck." Has a boyfriend back home, but reminds me of a roller coaster. Everyone gets a ride.

Mike "Situation." The only true Guidouche. Got the shit knocked out of him by Jenni. Will do anyone who comes near him - including some club chick after she gave Vinnie a little treat in the men's room. It's not robbery if you're stealing trash, Mike. (Staten Island.)

Nicole "Snooki", Marlboro, NY. Little Guidette, all hair, push up bras and mouth (which helps explain why she got decked not once, but twice. Not advocating, just saying...) My son, who lives in Toms River (about ten minutes away,) informed me that Snooki is charging 2000.00 a pop to appear with her. For two grand, it better be more than an appearance. On second thought... I'll just keep the money.

DJ Paulie D, Johnston, RI. Probably the closest to the old time Guidos looks-wise, and the only semi-celebrity before he arrived. Not a BENNY - Rhode Island doesn't count. They have enough problems being Rhode Island.

Ronnie, Bronx, NY. Seems like a nice guy most of the time - but the Bronx comes out more often than it should. By the way - that guy who heckled him until they fought on the boardwalk - a cop. He beat down a cop. Middletown Township. They must be so proud. He is the closest anyof the guys get to having a relationship.
Now if he could lose the Dairy Queen swirl on top of his head...

Sammi, Hazlet, NJ. Almost a BENNY. Very insecure, but seems to be a sweet girl just the same. For a Jersey Girl. Ronnie's uh... girlfriend, hookup, whatever. "Situation" said he was gonna rob her from Ronnie. She's not your type, man... she doesn't have a mustache.

Vinnie, Staten Island. Shouldn't even be here. He's not off his mamma's titty yet. Nice kid, though.

To MTV's credit, they did see to it that they embarrassed Atlantic City as well. I can see it now... "Hey! Who let the orange monkeys in da casino???" The only thing that sucks is that they are promoting this as the way of life there. I guess the upside is that for those on the hunt for women, Seaside will be a hotspot when season two rolls around. Just remember, ladies, when you come down to the "Jersey Shore," you're not really likely to get what you see... you're more likely to get this:

They may not be the prettiest crew, but they are one thing: real.

Accept it. You'll have fun. Just remember the next time you might think about visiting the shore - Snooki's waiting... and bring 2000.00. (No one's taken her up on it yet.)

Brought to you by...

Hello Kitty Pizzas. For when you're feeling hungry and just a little gay.