Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Okay, I have fun here.

An American in Canada. Working in a job where I dealt with people all day. It's funny how easy it is to pass yourself off as a Canadian - drink a little beer, pretend you give a shit about hockey, and be a fan of your nearest CFL football team. Just lose your real accent... until the time is right.

See, I grew up in New Jersey. Accent number one. If you don't know what a New Jersey accent is, watch the Sopranos. Close enough. (There really ARE people like Tony where I came from.) Then I joined the army. Be all you can be and all that shit. They sent me to Ft. Polk, Louisiana. After three years of that and six years of living in North Carolina, I gained accent number two. I can switch them, depending on my mood. Real fun! So now I have a hybrid of the two most uneducated accents in the United States. But I can hide it.

When I came to Canada, the first few people I talked to looked at me like a dog hearing something for the first time. I realized this could be trouble, because not ALL Canadians like us. Big fucking surprise. Is there a country that doesn't hate us to some degree? I mean, besides Puerto Rico.

I started out installing alarm systems (you see my profile pic - would you trust me? lol) and one time I came to the home of an incredibly hot blonde. I knew better than to let myself BE myself, so I faked Canadian. It was July, so she's running around the house in a bikini. Very nice to me, giving me a show even. But the whole time she was railing about how American men were pigs and just ogled her tits and made crude comments. Guess it had nothing to do with her showing everything but her fucking nipples. "Canadian men are true gentlemen... they would never do that." Bullshit. Not to your face, maybe... but you can bet they'd be telling their friends all about it. Canadians are polite that way. Needless to say, when I was done, I waited for her to give me one last eyeful before I said - "Thanks. Y'all have a nice day, now." See? We're not ALL pigs...

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