Good thing the world's not this f**ked up... or is it?

North Korean Stealth Missiles Fail.

As you can see, the North Koreans, realizing that they may not be able to deliver large nuclear payloads over entire oceans, have instead opted to use locally delivered stealth rockets. Homeland Security has obtained video of a North Korean agent, code named Andrew, attempting to launch an ASSFire (American Seeking Stealth) missile, with the same unfortunate results as they had with their ICBM missile. The idea behind this - to destroy America and its allies with rectally delivered nuclear warheads - met with embarrassing results. Homeland Security promptly arrested the offenders and sent them off to eternal torture by pointing fingers and laughing.

(Eraserhead Jong-il)

North Korea's umm... leader, Kim Jong-il, known to the UN as Eraserhead, has denied these reports, stating that they would only have sent them to play revolutionary songs via XM satellite. Cardboard shipments to North korea have been suspended to prevent further manufacture of these weapons of ass destruction.

Get it, North Korea? Knock it off, already! Even the Chinese won't help you now! They know when they have a good thing going - going against the Americas would mean no more Olympics or Dollar Stores to sell their crap! Some people...

IN OTHER NEWS...

The company formerly known as General Motors filed for bankruptcy protection today, affecting plants in the US and Canada. Both governments are bailing the company out with taxpayer cash, because we all know we have so much. It should be up and running again within three months, with approximately 45 Billion dollars from the two countries. GM has a plan, though... they're gonna invest in oil companies, so they can still continue to build big ass trucks and cars no one wants. In a further development, GM has announced that they are changing their name but keeping their logo. They will now be known as Government Made.

Nothing like seeing your tax dollars at work, huh? Where's Sean-fuck-Penn with his money roll when you need him? Oh, right. Smoking cigarettes with the Taliban.

AND NOW, COURTESY OF ZACHARY QUINTO...

(It IS his photo, after all...)

President Barack Obama (pictured left,) in his never ending quest to appeal to ALL of America, paid a visit to the Village of the Damned today. He managed to escape unscathed, but seven Secret Service agents were devoured in the crush. They love you Mr. President, but most of all, they love your braaaaiiins....

That last one sold itself. To be honest, it's hard to come up with a good joke about the President. Well, he hasn't fucked up enough... so let's see how he reacts to the ASSFire missiles, shall we?

And that's the news. Goodnight.