Thursday, September 9, 2010

I'm Thinking Gordon Ramsay has owning stock in Fox...

He was such a nice boy...

There's a few of these... this kid is brilliant.

Don't get me wrong... I'm a big fan. I first discovered him on BBC Canada - he was doing his original "Kitchen Nightmares" series, unedited. I thought - man, I like this guy. Seems like a regular guy kind of chef, if such a thing is possible. Amazing what you see when you're off and bored. 
Gordon without the beeps.   
Then he exploded on the American TV scene. Hell's Kitchen. Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares. Now Masterchef. On top of this, he owns or has a share in a number of restaurants. Not bad for a guy who once referred to cooking as a "job for poofs." (Brit for gay or whatever term comes to mind.)
He took the chef image from kinda... well, whatever, to...
...borderline serial killer with anger management issues. You know, cool.
He really is a regular guy outside the kitchen though - born in Scotland, he was raised in England in pretty much a working class lifestyle. The whole chef thing came about when his aspirations to be a soccer pro were ruined do to a destructive series of injuries.

Now THAT's how you make a risotto!
I'm not totally sure how he ended up in TV, but in this world of dumpster-baby network reality TV, it's nice to see something I can learn from. I worked in the restaurant industry for a few years (translated:dishwasher) but I saw what it was like on the line in what people thought were nice restaurants. To some degree I'd say you might be better off eating at McDonald's. Sure the food is assembly line shitty, but it's not picked up off the floor shitty. Still, I learned. 

Think you have what it f(beep)ing takes? Welcome to hell.
Then I saw Hell's Kitchen for the first time. That's when I realized that no matter how much I love to cook, there is a whole different level that I can barely comprehend. And while the ingredients and recipes don't seem all that difficult, the sheer pressure to hammer them out perfectly to order in very little time is more than I care to do. This coming from a person who had to execute artillery fire missions in 60 seconds or less. Little more room for error there, though. No complaints from those receiving the order I sent out. I saw good cooks - and more than a few bozos - go into the meat grinder on that show. They almost always fell victim to the same foods - risotto, scallops, halibut, and the infamous Wellington.
A proper Ramsay Wellington... gonna have to try one sometime. 
Oh, come ON!! If I wanted a plate of dog shit, I'd order one!
So while it's entertaining - I don't think I could do it to that level. Then I saw Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares and it confirmed that there are people who can't begin to fathom that level. (What restaurant serves nuked lasagna? At least two...yuck.)

Guess which one is the guido mooch in the bunch? Hint: not the guy with the tie.

Some of the places were just mismanaged, but others were genuinely disgusting. I shudder to think of the ones the show didn't pick up. Most seemed to survive as a result of his help, though. That's better for those of us who want to dine out. And this summer I was treated to something I thought I'd actually qualify for - Masterchef.

The three Chefs of the Apocalypse...Oregano, Rosemary, and Thyme.
 After the first episode - where the would be chefs were weeded out a la American Idol, I knew that I probably would have a difficult time with some of this stuff. These people started out simple enough, but the tasks - off the top of their heads - were tough if you're not used to that style of cooking. And though I cook well, very little of what I do can be done in less than an hour. Maybe I should try Barbeque Pitmasters. 

Well, the fat one might like this...

Maybe in a year or two he'll start up a show saving mobile kitchens and vending carts. Can you imagine? "You call that a fucking hot dog??? Get out! Get away!"  - New on Fox - Hell's hot dog carts!

Brought to you by...

for when you just give up on finding your penis.