Sunday, June 21, 2009

Stupidity is like a box of chocolates. Comes in many flavors.

I feel like... a star! Or 56...

(Yeah, they're tattoos. She claims she only wanted five. And that's less stupid how?)

This picture is almost the epitomy of young stupidity. This girl said she only wanted five tattoos of stars on her face. (WHY?) Then at the tattoo parlor, she fell asleep and woke up with 56. Gotta call you on this one, kid. Bullshit. I have five tattoos and I worked in a shop for awhile - learned where the most sensitive body parts for tattooing are. The face is right up there, right behind the spine and ankle. And there is NO WAY you can sleep through one tattoo, let alone 56!
She blamed the artist, though he says she repeatedly looked in the mirror and requested more. I gotta go with him on this one - common sense:1, dumbass:0

(Hey Mr. Bookman, you're right! This IS more fun than the planetarium... got a dollar?)

Okay, I'm not sure what this guy was thinking. It seems to me, that if you have a job where your vehicle is readily ummm... identifiable, ya might not want to see it photographed at a swingers' club. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY. Common sense:2, dumbass:0... score's starting to add up...

(Mmmm-mmm. Hickory smoked flavor!)

At first I thought this was just a car fire, till I read the article that went with it. Seems the dolt who owned the flaming wreck thought it would be a good idea to PREHEAT his grill before he went to a tailgating party. What this Gump didn't realize was that fire makes hot makes more fire! Help me, Jenny! I made a fire! Common sense:2, dumbass:1 - because it was too stupid for any common sense to prevail.

(Relax, honey... we're not even gonna be here that long. What are the odds of a fire?)

This is a special kind of stupid. I see it a lot, doing what I do for a living. Well, not the breaking out the windows part. But that sure would be cool. There's a reason for no parking in front of a hydrant, but APPARENTLY this dipshit didn't get the memo. Hope he likes his new air conditioning...

(Man, I must've drank a ton... got some serious cotton mouth...)

Some people just don't know when is enough. Then it's up to the rest of us to make them look stupider than they already do. And then post it on the internet, where rogue bloggers will steal and reproduce the image. Stupid with a capital "S." Common sense:2.5, dumbass:2.5 Depends on which side of that fence you're on.

(Uhh...guys? Are you sure this condom is enough protection?)

Stupidity even extends to ads... some are worse than others (I absolutely DETEST that stupid fucking Visine ad - the woman at the office who's about to pour a vase of water into her eyes because they're dry.) For me, that ad would go more like:

ME: What are you doing?
IDIOT EMPLOYEE: It's my eyes. They're so dry.
ME: Here. Try Visine Moisture.
IDIOT EMPLOYEE: but my eyes aren't red, they're dry.
ME: HEY! Did I ask you if they were red? It says moisture, dumbfuck! Try it.
IDIOT EMPLOYEE: (tries it) Wow it really works! Thanks!
ME: Yes. Now get out. You're fired. I can't have someone so stupid they'll pour a vase of water on their face working for me.

See? Problem solved. I do think that condom ad is funny, though. Not rated - no ads require common sense.

(Sometimes they're too stupid too live... but this one did.)

This guy wanted to steal some copper, so he scurried up a pole and started to do so. Guess he forgot about those big ol' white things an' electricity and all. He was burned pretty badly, but in the end - well, he was arrested. Stupid or not, theft is a crime. Common sense - refused to participate. Dumbass won by forfeit.

In the end, the world is filled with stupidity and it comes in many flavors. Unfortunately, they're all variations of turds.

Stay Smart!

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Friday, June 19, 2009

Food around the world - or sh*t I wouldn't eat.

Yeah, I know what it looks like.

(but it's just a clam. An uncircumscised one.)

So, as most of you who read me regularly know, I'm headed on a trip shortly. Means I get to try new food, savor the local culture on my palate. For the most part, everything I heard about sounds wonderful, save for one dish. The Grenadians call it "oildown." The national dish, some say. A delicacy, others say. Delicacy.... isn't that another word for "tastes like shit?"

(Oildown... looks better than it sounds.)

I know it sounds like a food made in a refinery, but when I researched it, the term "oildown" means the same thing as what chefs call "reduction." No oil involved. Guess that's the difference between Culinary Institute and home-made. But... breadfruit? Has all the flavor of boiled styrofoam... I will let you know how this turns out.

Most delicacies start out as common food, something the poor managed to make edible, and when the rich found it tasted great, found a way to make tons of money off of it by saying "try it... it is our national delicacy." Always a line of dumbasses waiting for it, too....

So I thought I'd check the rest of the world. There's some really sick shit that people put in their mouths. Some I can't even mention... but I will.

(Grasshopper taco - mmm. Can I get a side of fried roaches with that?)

Grasshopper taco. Yes, I said it. Grasshopper.

Apparently the folks down Mexico way get a little tired of beef or whatever meat they put in their tacos and occasionally fill them with grasshoppers instead. A lot cheaper than beef and crunchy, too! They even eat fried grasshoppers like popcorn... ever hear of potato chips? Hell, tortilla chips?

(New - Sorpions on a Stick! Tasty and umm..poisonous.)

Fried Scorpions and other Bugs.

Not to be outdone, the peoples of Southeast Asia have found about a billion different ways to deep-fry assorted bugs. Spiders, scorpions, ants, whatever. They enjoy them as snack food... I can't imagine walking down the street popping fried ants into my mouth. Unless they have barbeque flavor.

(What's REALLY under a Scotsman's kilt...)

Haggis...would make William Wallace puke.

The name was bad enough. Sounds like a sheep's stomach filled with guts and oatmeal. Wait - it IS a sheep's stomach filled with guts and oatmeal. Oh, and spices. To be honest, there's not enough spice to mask the fact that it's just repulsive bologna. Popular in London, though... but what do they know? They boil hamburgers there.

(okay... this doesn't look like a wonton.)

Bat Soup. I really can't add anything to that.

From Paulau, we have bat soup. It's literally a bowl of soup with a bat in it. A fucking BAT! What's the matter? Run out of seagulls? (Fucking things are everywhere... even here, 1500 miles from the nearest ocean.) I was going to post a pic of the actual soup but even I have limits. Remind me not to eat in Paulau.

(Kimchi... for when you want to smell like the inside of a sweaty sneaker.)

Kimchi, a meal that's as old as it smells.

This treat is from Korea when it was still just Korea. It's basically their version of saurkraut... kind of. The difference is that instead of mixing cabbage with wine or brine storing it in barrels, they use a variety of vegetables, mix with spice and soy sauce, and bury it in clay pots (this is the old way of doing it. I'm sure they have clay factories now.) Apparently it tastes wonderful, if you can get past the smell. I was a mail clerk in the US army for awhile, and we had a single jar of this stuff break in the warhouse. The whole place smelled like pickled ass. And speaking of foul, our brethren from Greenland bring us...

(The only food you have to be drunk to eat.)

Hakarl... because that's the sound you make when you eat it.

Icelandic food at best is bad - this is from Greenland. It's basking shark, compressed under gravel for a month or so and hung up to dry. This is to get rid of the TOXICITY carried in the highly acidic creature. It has to cut into small cubes and served with a special liquor in order to keep you from puking. Like I wouldn't anyway. Couldn't they just do something like -

(triple bypass on a stick.)

- a simple fried hotdog with french fries? On a stick? It's more popular than I realized. Pretty much available the world over, though I can't guarantee the quality of the hot dogs. Almost sounds good... if you don't want to live past 45.

So I got to tell you... after my little exploration into the world of delicacies - and there are so many more I didn't mention (or couldn't and maintain an audience,) I've definitelly decided on one thing.

Maybe oildown doesn't sound so bad after all.

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Wednesday, June 17, 2009

What blows and gets men highly excited? A ref's whistle.

The Greatest Receiver in CFL History.

Had to give Milt Stegall his props to begin with. The man played for awhile in the NFL, then ended up in the Canadian Football League. At age 38 (old for a receiver) he retired. Broke every record in the league for receiving. And he was ours - so fuck you, rest of Canada! HAHAHAHAHA - oh, excuse me.

Now you're asking me - Ed? Why are you talking about football? Isn't it over? Isn't hockey over? Isn't basketball - well, except for the remaining rioting - over? You mean I have to buy more batteries?

(Doug Brown - eats offensive linemen. Literally. Takes three men to hold him at bay, but's he's a nice guy.)

Well, it's like this. In the States, you're getting a little breather - NFL preseason is still a ways away. Hockey - fuck, there's so many teams it seems to start over about a week after it ends. Kind of like American Idol. Soccer (football to anyone ANYWHERE else in the world) is... umm... is it on now? Baseball - who gives a fuck, really. And it seems like they're adding a new sport every day. Most of them are too boring or stupid to mention. But in Canada - the CFL begins today! In fact, I'm listening to the first game as I type this. My team, the Winnipeg Blue Bombers, (could ya tell?) is winning, but they're slowly fucking it up. Typical.

(See? I told you - he wears a thong!)

Soccer, football, whatever.

I don't get it, really. I played it in school and hated it. Tried to watch it on TV (on special sports networks) but it's kind of mind numbing. Kick, dribble, pass, other guy gets it, blah blah blah. And any time players touch they act as though they've been whacked with a tire iron. Less ham in a delicatessen. At the end, they only score a total of about four points. But hey, they always have real cool riots at the end...

(BALL ONE! I think he only has one left.)

Baseball, or steroids at the bat.

This is one of the oldest homegrown sports in North America. Well, I don't know if you call it a sport when no one sweats. I tried watching it on TV - but I almost passed out from boredom. It is better when you actually go to a game though, because you get to see some fan get smacked by an errant foul ball once in awhile. And for some reason, some of the players felt they needed to use steroids. For WHAT? So you can spit further? Just another example of stupidity in sports. But at least they don't riot - hard to do when you're asleep.

(Two points and a teabag! Hoowah!)

Basketball, or the big sweaty hug. With a ball. What did you think I meant?

Okay, I know as much about basketball as the next guy. Provided the next guy is about six years old. Kidding. Eight. I mean I've played it, know the rules, and found that I truly suck at it. Doesn't do much for the love of the game. It's fast moving on TV - bonus - and they have cheerleaders - double bonus (no pun intended.) But the game is almost too easy for the pros... scores that end up over 100? Each? The only challenge for these guys is to see who can fit the most diamonds in their "grille." And they have some pretty good riots too... right Los Angeles? (Like LA needs another reason to riot. Their newspapers have "looting sales" flyers in them on Saturdays.)

(Dude... figure skating's in the next rink!)

Hockey, or goons on ice.

I know I should like this sport more because I live in Canada, but that's like saying I should love tofu because no animals are used in its production. Simple fact is, I've tried both and at least hockey doesn't leave a turdlike aftertaste in my mouth. Doesn't make me a fan, though. I'll give these guys credit - they are a tough bunch (Well, the Canadians and Americans are - the Europeans are fragile ummm... what's the word... pussies.) Anyone who willingly takes a frozen rubber disc to the face at over 100 mph, gets stitched up after he picks up his teeth and gets back in the game is tough. Or drunk. It is a Canadian sport, after all.

(And the balls go through the uprights! Wait - BALLS?)

Football, the real kind.

Yeah, I know that makes me sooo American/Canadian. So what. Fuck'em if they don't like it. This game is a variant of the classic rugby - we Americans are forever stealing other countries' sports and changing them or saying we made them up. Baseball (cricket, England,) soccer (football - we just changed the name - the rest of the world,) Basketball (Canada, believe it or not,) hockey (Canada, because they needed the money,) and football (rugby, but without all the ball grabbing, England - they didn't even know it at first. The helmets fooled them.)

Of all the sports on TV, we know this has the biggest following all across the North American continent. The Americans have the NFL and a myriad of other smaller leagues, and Canada has the CFL. The Americans have the Superbowl, we have the Grey Cup - which, if you don't know the history, sounds bland. Grey. Why couldn't this guy be named Fukincewl? Think about it. The Fukincewl Cup. The only sports trophy that would get bleeped on primetime. The only sport I truly love on BOTH sides of the border.

It's violent, fast, and has spectacular moments every time I watch it. To give the Canadians credit, their game is more exciting. You only have three downs and a 110 yard field. Way more air action. The down side is that there are only 8-9 teams, depending on the year. What do you expect? Hard to fill a stadium in a city with about 10,000 people in it. (Right, maritimes?) We do have cheerleaders too, though. No one pays attention to them, is all.

So, for all you spouses (and believe me, it DOES work the other way around,) especially in Canada, I'm sorry. We know there's tons of stuff to do and you want to go to the market garden and shop for linens, but the game's coming on. And yeah, get batteries. Lots of them.

But at least there's no riots.

(BTW - Winnipeg won! Woo-Hoo!)

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Sunday, June 14, 2009

Relationship Tips... (Don't Try This at Home.)

And as they dined and she talked...

(... all he could think was - SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP!)

I was thinking about it - a friend pointed out that sometimes that we, as men and women, don't often communicate well. To that I answered, "What?"

Now, I'm not talking about men talking to men and women talking to women. We all know that:

Women talk about their kids, relationships, troubles, funny moments, feelings, and all that other shit you see on The View. They bond with one another and form everlasting friendships that makes their world a little better.

Men tell jokes and talk about girls they (never) fucked and sports. Oh, and their balls.

The problem comes when XX meets XY. Men and women don't communicate well, and definitely not at the same speed. Women - if you're explaining something, and he doesn't appear to comprehend you, look into his eyes. Chances are you'll see that little hourglass icon in the pupils as his brain catches up to what you're saying. Men - if you see her looking at you the same way - she just doen't care about your Fantasy Football team. Come on, I'm a guy and even I don't give a shit about Fantasy Football. It's Dungeons and Dragons for ex-jocks who made fun of well, people who played Dungeons and Dragons.

Now I'm probably gonna get the "Men Mafia" sicced on me, but what the hell. They can't even afford shirts. How tough can they be?

(We're gonna bust you up, fucker. That takes balls. BIG balls, like we got, right Vinnie?)

Men sometimes just don't get it. We know that there's something we need to do (listen) and not do (fix) in order to make our communications with women better, but it's a mystery to us. (See how I stuck that in there? The Men Mafia don't read inside parentheses. Girl stuff.) It also helps not to call our mate bitch. Adds to the love. And when comes to sports and video games -

Align Right

(He can WATCH the end zone or be IN the end zone - umm, dumbass?)

(the only way this guy's getting laid is if it comes out on Wii...)

Take a little time out. Not all women are sports fans - some just go with it rather than invest in battery powered boyfriends. Look at her once in awhile - is she rolling her eyes when she thinks you're not looking? (Yes, we see that. Peripheral vision. Amazing thing.) Odds are she's just waiting for the final whistle to blow. Better odds - that'll be the only thing. Space out the video games and sports. Try to listen... you would be surprised! Maybe that flannel nightgown will take a vacation for a night or two!

(This is in no way a promise that you will receive sex. Individual results may vary. Void where prohibited. Side effects may include: apathy, curiosity, or her treating you like her "gay" friend.)

Women - try and understand - men are like ADD kids after twelve espressos. We like to joke and shiny things amaze us. Long heartfelt conversations should be able to fit into a text message or tweet (another plug for Twitter! Five dollars!) Kidding, of course. But try to sell your point directly. Then maybe we'll stop hiding behind sports and video games.

(You gotta admit -my fart smells better than you turkey looks HAHAHA - SLAP!)

We have different senses of humor, too. Women appreciat clever well written or thought out jokes, with a beginning, middle, and end. Men think farts are funny. So maybe we can come to a compromise - a well told joke about farts.

See? That's what makes me a master of communication...

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Saturday, June 13, 2009

Love is on the air...sort of. Well, sex, anyway...

Honey, it's just like Titan - ow fuck! Ow!

Romance. Love, lust, all the cool stuff, packed into 44 minutes and served weekly for our consumption. Okay, mostly the lust. Oh - and the stupidity. I was trying to avoid more than one TV related blog this week, but well... where stupidity finds me, I feel compelled to share it. And make fun of it.

( New Ho'k....everybody sing!)

I Love New York

Okay, so this is what started the ball rolling. I knew there were bad and really stupid relationship shows. To give New York credit, she IS equal opportunity, though the episode my girlfriend and I saw the guy she pet named "White Boy" get eliminated.

(White Boy - tossed like the #10 finalist on American Idol. I think it had more to do with him looking like a meth head, though.)

White Boy? Did he really think he had a chance with a nickname like that? We watched, stunned, as this show played to the low end of stereotype. The set looks like a pimp's nightmare. The winner gets a bling chain. At least she doesn't pretend not to fuck at least one of them. We're an interracial couple, and got to tell you, we were each sooo proud of our race after that. But hey, it's VH1 - not like anyone watches it intentionally (I actually thought it had something to do with the CITY. Silly me.) Apparently VH1 has the market on this dumb shit though, as I found out while pulling images. See, New York came from a show - let's just say they like to use has been musicians. Remember Flava Flav?

(Who would want to fuck someone who looks like a crack addicted clown? Oh. Okay.)

The Flavor of Love

Another VH1 gem. Take the front man from a 80's rap group and see how many women will hook up with him... well, New York did it at least twice. When you look like him, it ain't about the love. It's about the money. You're not a "Public Enemy" anymore, man.. more like a public nuisance. I'm just amazed that you can attract good looking women anymore. It's like watching a car accident. Well Flav, I know what the clock means, and I know what time it is. Time to change the channel...

(The girls from the Rock of Love Bus... where everybody gets a ride.)

Rock of Love Bus

The final VH1 turd that I'm gonna mention (hey, I didn't make these shows up, they did. I just make fun of them.) This was a show that was so bad it had to hit the road. Bret Micheals (Poison) decided he wanted to see how many fake blondes ACTUALLY exist in L.A. and couldn't pass the porn auditions. I couldn't make it past a segment or two at a time. Really? Ladies... couldn't you come together and find a REAL celebrity to take turns on?

Don't get me wrong. The network brainiacs picked up on this and tried it, but with real budgets. Doesn't make it any less trashy. ABC holds the reigns with two variants of the same theme. The bachelor. Why, they were so brilliant, they even came up with an original catchy name for it.

(Single mom episode - for a bachelor? Seriously?)

The Bachelor/Bachelorette

This one has been on awhile, but I think they're running low on premise. Apparently they're going from singles to single parents. Admirable? Or an opportunity to watch him squirm when a baby pukes on his Armani suit? The sad thing is that in this case the single moms are up against childless women. Not really fair. Next season they're going to use cougars, or so I hear.

And from the new shitheap - the CW, is probably the dumbest of the hookup shows.

(...and I take you, uhhh... what's your name again?)

Hitched or Unhitched

Yeah. A couple gets something like 48 hours to get married or not - watch the drama unfold! Sorry, no. As you can tell, I'm not even sure about the time frame. That's how little I give a fuck.

But what about relationships gone awry, Ed? You ask. Oh, they got something for that, too. I've only seen a couple of episodes, mostly because it's fun to watch people to get caught cheating on camera. Yes, if you haven't seen it, there IS such a show. What's it called? Ummmm... Cheaters. Pretty insightful, huh? I probably would watch it more if the host wasn't some self righteous prick.

(Wait, ladies... that's not what I meant when I said the drinks are on me!)

Everything I read about this show says it's the worst of all reality shows. Yet it's been on for nine seasons. I saw one guy punch the girl HE was cheating on in the face. Pretty sure that was the deal breaker for her. So... I guess I'm not the only one who is watching, huh?

Ah, love... it's really a wonderful thing.

As long as you don't cram it into 44 minutes.

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Friday, June 12, 2009

Gay or Straight - a Traveller's Guide.

Oklahoma State Gay Prison, manned by the Young Republican Guard.

(Okay, so it's not true. The one on the left is a Communist.)

If you're a regular reader, you already know that I'm American and live in Canada. I mention that because of the differences in the two places - and no, I don't mean the weather. We know it's fucking cold. But only most of the time. The rest of the time we have mosquitoes.

In some ways - depends on WHO you are - Canada is really progressive. No one knows this more than the members of the gay community. Now hold on - I'm not gonna bash gays, I don't do that. Besides, I have a couple of lesbian friends who would send me for a six month stint in the "re-education" camp if I did. I don't think it actually exists, but they're pretty convincing.

At the camp...

(Man, these accommodations suck... but at least the food is good.)

See, here gays can marry. My friends are married, and they bitch about each other. So what's the big deal? Personally, I think they should have the right to marry. I did it twice. If you want to spend years drifting apart, fighting, and ultimately lose half your shit, by all means. Have at. You will not see me stand in your way. Just remember... you may end up losing the title "gay"... there's a reason that word became associated with homosexuals... they usually seemed happier than the rest of us poor straight fuckers. More free to pursue their dreams (art, dance, whatever) with - I don't know, a support network. I paint, draw, and write, but being straight... well, it never helped. So the term gay is appropriate. Something some straight people envy, I think. Marry and you might lose it. And half your shit.

Then I guess the term would have to go to virgins. If you can find one.

In the states, you have to fight state by state just to be recognized. I see a lot about California - will they make up their mind already? How can a state with San Fransisco in it NOT recognize gay right to marry? Think of the business upside alone! Think of the reality TV! Instead of Bridezilla, we could have Bride vs. Bride! This weeks episode - the battle over the garter and corsage... who will win the challenge to throw what?

(Yes, I know. Something you don't see every day. Nice bridesmaids dresses.)

Or the grooms? We could have the Groom Fashionista Death Match - instead of bloody extreme fighting, extreme runway walks and metro makeovers. (Yeah, I know - stereotype - but fuck it. We do it to the straight morons on these kind of shows all the time. You think it's a coincidence that America's white trash all seem to end up on Jerry, Maury, and COPS?)

(Here comes the... oh, shit! We don't have a song!)

So you're probably thinking - yeah, Ed. What's your fucking point? Well... I was wondering the same thing. Oh, right. This may be unfair, and it's definitely inconvenient, but it could be worse.

(Grenada - where no one is gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

There are 85 countries where homosexuality is illegal. But cheer up, lesbians - out of those, 40 think girl/girl love is not only okay, it's perfectly legal. Some, like Grenada, simply adopt the U.S. military method of thinking - don't ask, don't tell. I picked Grenada because I was amused to find this fact out - I'm going there soon, and despite the antiquated law, no one cares. One of the popular restaurants - Patrick's, where everything - I mean EVERYTHING is pink except the food, is run by - well, a man's man. A flaming man's man. Let's just say that. I didn't make this up - look it up. And Grenada is one of the 40. Sorry guys!
(Poolside at the hotel I'll be at. Paradise no matter what., it's not product placement. Who said that?)

The hotel we're staying at doesn't care either... it's one of those annoying laws, like don't urinate on the beach. No one pays attention to it.

(One is Carnival, the other is Gay Pride. Ummm... the difference is?)

So you see, some of this is serious, some not. There are seven countries where being gay is a death sentence. Literally. That's outside of the 85. Tolerance leads to acceptance, I know. Hopefully we'll end up in the ideal utopia, where everyone is able to love who they want, regardless of preference, and not have to worry about the ramifications of it.

Then they can get married and fuck it up.

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