Friday, June 19, 2009

Food around the world - or sh*t I wouldn't eat.

Yeah, I know what it looks like.

(but it's just a clam. An uncircumscised one.)

So, as most of you who read me regularly know, I'm headed on a trip shortly. Means I get to try new food, savor the local culture on my palate. For the most part, everything I heard about sounds wonderful, save for one dish. The Grenadians call it "oildown." The national dish, some say. A delicacy, others say. Delicacy.... isn't that another word for "tastes like shit?"

(Oildown... looks better than it sounds.)

I know it sounds like a food made in a refinery, but when I researched it, the term "oildown" means the same thing as what chefs call "reduction." No oil involved. Guess that's the difference between Culinary Institute and home-made. But... breadfruit? Has all the flavor of boiled styrofoam... I will let you know how this turns out.

Most delicacies start out as common food, something the poor managed to make edible, and when the rich found it tasted great, found a way to make tons of money off of it by saying "try it... it is our national delicacy." Always a line of dumbasses waiting for it, too....

So I thought I'd check the rest of the world. There's some really sick shit that people put in their mouths. Some I can't even mention... but I will.

(Grasshopper taco - mmm. Can I get a side of fried roaches with that?)

Grasshopper taco. Yes, I said it. Grasshopper.

Apparently the folks down Mexico way get a little tired of beef or whatever meat they put in their tacos and occasionally fill them with grasshoppers instead. A lot cheaper than beef and crunchy, too! They even eat fried grasshoppers like popcorn... ever hear of potato chips? Hell, tortilla chips?

(New - Sorpions on a Stick! Tasty and umm..poisonous.)

Fried Scorpions and other Bugs.

Not to be outdone, the peoples of Southeast Asia have found about a billion different ways to deep-fry assorted bugs. Spiders, scorpions, ants, whatever. They enjoy them as snack food... I can't imagine walking down the street popping fried ants into my mouth. Unless they have barbeque flavor.

(What's REALLY under a Scotsman's kilt...)

Haggis...would make William Wallace puke.

The name was bad enough. Sounds like a sheep's stomach filled with guts and oatmeal. Wait - it IS a sheep's stomach filled with guts and oatmeal. Oh, and spices. To be honest, there's not enough spice to mask the fact that it's just repulsive bologna. Popular in London, though... but what do they know? They boil hamburgers there.

(okay... this doesn't look like a wonton.)

Bat Soup. I really can't add anything to that.

From Paulau, we have bat soup. It's literally a bowl of soup with a bat in it. A fucking BAT! What's the matter? Run out of seagulls? (Fucking things are everywhere... even here, 1500 miles from the nearest ocean.) I was going to post a pic of the actual soup but even I have limits. Remind me not to eat in Paulau.

(Kimchi... for when you want to smell like the inside of a sweaty sneaker.)

Kimchi, a meal that's as old as it smells.

This treat is from Korea when it was still just Korea. It's basically their version of saurkraut... kind of. The difference is that instead of mixing cabbage with wine or brine storing it in barrels, they use a variety of vegetables, mix with spice and soy sauce, and bury it in clay pots (this is the old way of doing it. I'm sure they have clay factories now.) Apparently it tastes wonderful, if you can get past the smell. I was a mail clerk in the US army for awhile, and we had a single jar of this stuff break in the warhouse. The whole place smelled like pickled ass. And speaking of foul, our brethren from Greenland bring us...

(The only food you have to be drunk to eat.)

Hakarl... because that's the sound you make when you eat it.

Icelandic food at best is bad - this is from Greenland. It's basking shark, compressed under gravel for a month or so and hung up to dry. This is to get rid of the TOXICITY carried in the highly acidic creature. It has to cut into small cubes and served with a special liquor in order to keep you from puking. Like I wouldn't anyway. Couldn't they just do something like -

(triple bypass on a stick.)

- a simple fried hotdog with french fries? On a stick? It's more popular than I realized. Pretty much available the world over, though I can't guarantee the quality of the hot dogs. Almost sounds good... if you don't want to live past 45.

So I got to tell you... after my little exploration into the world of delicacies - and there are so many more I didn't mention (or couldn't and maintain an audience,) I've definitelly decided on one thing.

Maybe oildown doesn't sound so bad after all.

Sponsored by...

The new McFatboy - 3 one pound patties, special sauce, bacon, ham, and cheese on butter toasted sourdough bread. Comes with a grocery bag of fries and keg o'Coke (or Coke Zero - hahahaha - Coke Zero? Why?) All for 5.99 - for when you feel like carrying half your body in a separate vehicle.

(Offer void where prohibited or common sense prevails. Don't look for non-participating restaurants - they'll ALL do anything to get your ass in there.)

1 comment:

  1. Look Ed, I'm not going to bluff my way around this... it all sounds bloody revolting.. it looks revolting, and I can almost smell how revolting it is.. ewwww... ummm might stick to Vegemite sarmies when I'm visiting exotic locations again.. dried shark? ohhhhhh no.. makes me feel ill.. really.. ill..

    You're brilliant, you know this don't ya?