What blows and gets men highly excited? A ref's whistle.

The Greatest Receiver in CFL History.

Had to give Milt Stegall his props to begin with. The man played for awhile in the NFL, then ended up in the Canadian Football League. At age 38 (old for a receiver) he retired. Broke every record in the league for receiving. And he was ours - so fuck you, rest of Canada! HAHAHAHAHA - oh, excuse me.

Now you're asking me - Ed? Why are you talking about football? Isn't it over? Isn't hockey over? Isn't basketball - well, except for the remaining rioting - over? You mean I have to buy more batteries?

(Doug Brown - eats offensive linemen. Literally. Takes three men to hold him at bay, but's he's a nice guy.)

Well, it's like this. In the States, you're getting a little breather - NFL preseason is still a ways away. Hockey - fuck, there's so many teams it seems to start over about a week after it ends. Kind of like American Idol. Soccer (football to anyone ANYWHERE else in the world) is... umm... is it on now? Baseball - who gives a fuck, really. And it seems like they're adding a new sport every day. Most of them are too boring or stupid to mention. But in Canada - the CFL begins today! In fact, I'm listening to the first game as I type this. My team, the Winnipeg Blue Bombers, (could ya tell?) is winning, but they're slowly fucking it up. Typical.

(See? I told you - he wears a thong!)

Soccer, football, whatever.

I don't get it, really. I played it in school and hated it. Tried to watch it on TV (on special sports networks) but it's kind of mind numbing. Kick, dribble, pass, other guy gets it, blah blah blah. And any time players touch they act as though they've been whacked with a tire iron. Less ham in a delicatessen. At the end, they only score a total of about four points. But hey, they always have real cool riots at the end...

(BALL ONE! I think he only has one left.)

Baseball, or steroids at the bat.

This is one of the oldest homegrown sports in North America. Well, I don't know if you call it a sport when no one sweats. I tried watching it on TV - but I almost passed out from boredom. It is better when you actually go to a game though, because you get to see some fan get smacked by an errant foul ball once in awhile. And for some reason, some of the players felt they needed to use steroids. For WHAT? So you can spit further? Just another example of stupidity in sports. But at least they don't riot - hard to do when you're asleep.

(Two points and a teabag! Hoowah!)

Basketball, or the big sweaty hug. With a ball. What did you think I meant?

Okay, I know as much about basketball as the next guy. Provided the next guy is about six years old. Kidding. Eight. I mean I've played it, know the rules, and found that I truly suck at it. Doesn't do much for the love of the game. It's fast moving on TV - bonus - and they have cheerleaders - double bonus (no pun intended.) But the game is almost too easy for the pros... scores that end up over 100? Each? The only challenge for these guys is to see who can fit the most diamonds in their "grille." And they have some pretty good riots too... right Los Angeles? (Like LA needs another reason to riot. Their newspapers have "looting sales" flyers in them on Saturdays.)

(Dude... figure skating's in the next rink!)

Hockey, or goons on ice.

I know I should like this sport more because I live in Canada, but that's like saying I should love tofu because no animals are used in its production. Simple fact is, I've tried both and at least hockey doesn't leave a turdlike aftertaste in my mouth. Doesn't make me a fan, though. I'll give these guys credit - they are a tough bunch (Well, the Canadians and Americans are - the Europeans are fragile ummm... what's the word... pussies.) Anyone who willingly takes a frozen rubber disc to the face at over 100 mph, gets stitched up after he picks up his teeth and gets back in the game is tough. Or drunk. It is a Canadian sport, after all.

(And the balls go through the uprights! Wait - BALLS?)

Football, the real kind.

Yeah, I know that makes me sooo American/Canadian. So what. Fuck'em if they don't like it. This game is a variant of the classic rugby - we Americans are forever stealing other countries' sports and changing them or saying we made them up. Baseball (cricket, England,) soccer (football - we just changed the name - the rest of the world,) Basketball (Canada, believe it or not,) hockey (Canada, because they needed the money,) and football (rugby, but without all the ball grabbing, England - they didn't even know it at first. The helmets fooled them.)

Of all the sports on TV, we know this has the biggest following all across the North American continent. The Americans have the NFL and a myriad of other smaller leagues, and Canada has the CFL. The Americans have the Superbowl, we have the Grey Cup - which, if you don't know the history, sounds bland. Grey. Why couldn't this guy be named Fukincewl? Think about it. The Fukincewl Cup. The only sports trophy that would get bleeped on primetime. The only sport I truly love on BOTH sides of the border.

It's violent, fast, and has spectacular moments every time I watch it. To give the Canadians credit, their game is more exciting. You only have three downs and a 110 yard field. Way more air action. The down side is that there are only 8-9 teams, depending on the year. What do you expect? Hard to fill a stadium in a city with about 10,000 people in it. (Right, maritimes?) We do have cheerleaders too, though. No one pays attention to them, is all.

So, for all you spouses (and believe me, it DOES work the other way around,) especially in Canada, I'm sorry. We know there's tons of stuff to do and you want to go to the market garden and shop for linens, but the game's coming on. And yeah, get batteries. Lots of them.

But at least there's no riots.

(BTW - Winnipeg won! Woo-Hoo!)

Sponsored by...

River City Bagels. Try the new Brazilian.
(This is a REAL ad... too stupid to make up.)