When Celebrities Attack!

Andy Dick Shows Us How He Deals With Kathy Griffin.

(or is this the only way SHE can put up with a loud, effeminate, has-been drunk? )

Well, the weather here in good ol' Winnipeg has gone stranger than ever, which makes me believe one thing. The folks who cry about global warming have never been here. Rain. Cold. Warm. More fucking rain. Cold again. Glad I'm not a farmer... I'd probably kill myself.

Needless to say, it doesn't allow for much in the way of outdoor activities. Some of my favorite indoor activities can only be done during certain hours... so... all that remains is writing and TV. Twitter doesn't get a plug this - oh, shit. They just did, didn't they?

Part of TV is the celebrities. I'm sure they want you to see them in their best light, as that's the idea behind any TRUE Narcissist's game plan. Pay attention to me! Pay attention to me! Okay, but I don't want no preplanned preposed bullshit. I want to see your spoiled ass losing your fucking mind because the caterer couldn't find a vendor that would provide you with Belgian chocolate M&M's (don't look, they don't make them) and smacking the director with a bottle of Volvic. THAT's entertainment.

It's not like there haven't been meltdowns, either. Some are hilarious, some tragic. Some a little of both. Hollywood has DEFINITELY had its share. Back in the day - I mean from the inception of Hollywood to about the early 60's... Hollywood had an image to uphold. Public meltdowns were a no-no. So... back then, meltdowns tended to be more on the tragic side.

(Lupe Velez - the Mexican Spitfire)

Take this lady, Lupe Velez. Her nickname was the "Mexican Spitfire." A beautiful woman, but with her accent and time against her, she knew her options were running out. She was outrageous and most of the public loved her, though her personal life was a mess. Then she got pregnant. BIG no-no in 1940's Hollywood. Some people have no clue as to who she was, but she made over 40 films and was married to Johnny Weismuller (Tarzan) for five years. She committed suicide in 1944 - the way meltdowns used to happen. But she did it with class... flowers, candles, and sleeping pills. I'm not poking fun at it - but I am illustrating something. It took a LOT for this woman to melt down. Not today. Usually it's the end result of too much attention, money, and more than enough drugs. Got to be tough, I tell ya.

(Susan Boyle and the Spam lady from Monty Python - one's an institution, and the other's been to one.)

These days, what do we have... Susan Boyle. Nice voice, but seriously, no one really listens to that music who doesn't subscribe to PBS. Niche career at best. I really hope someone finds a place for her... but if you're gonna be a celeb, you gotta toughen up. Kind of like I'm going to have to for poking fun at Susan Boyle. She's not going to make it at the rate she's going... the press is already losing interest. Remember Charlotte Church? I didn't think so.

(Charlotte Church - the first Briton the world forgot.)

But we have our own "fun" celebs... say... oh, I don't know. How about Dennis Rodman? A basketball player... then he went Hollywood. Now look at him.

(umm... I, uhh... yeah. Fuck. Wow.)

I think this is what happens when you fuck Madonna. In fact, I think Madonna is the catalyst for some celeb meltdowns... remember Britney? I mean, she wasn't fooling anyone with her bullshit coy innocence act, but this seemed to be the beginning of her landslide into stupidity.

(not that there's anything wrong with it...)

(Britney doing her best Charles Manson impression.)

Okay, well... deeper into stupidity. The only women who passed her were the Simpson sisters, with the Olsen anorexics on their tails. And who can forget the KING?

That's right... Micheal Jackson. Once an icon of pop music, he decided to have a lifelong meltdown. As you can see, here he is in his early days...

(oh yeah, I recognize him...)

And somewhere along the line, he decided he ran out of shit to buy. Guess he didn't like fixing up cars, so...

(Mr. Potato-Head Micheal)

... he went with plastic surgery instead. He just forgot - that unlike a car, you can't buy real spare parts if you fuck them up. And sometimes the more you play with something the worse it gets. Which is probably why he looks like a retarded wood elf.


I guess it could be worse... he COULD look like Diana Ross. Oh, wait...

He does.

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