Sunday, June 14, 2009

Relationship Tips... (Don't Try This at Home.)

And as they dined and she talked...

(... all he could think was - SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP!)

I was thinking about it - a friend pointed out that sometimes that we, as men and women, don't often communicate well. To that I answered, "What?"

Now, I'm not talking about men talking to men and women talking to women. We all know that:

Women talk about their kids, relationships, troubles, funny moments, feelings, and all that other shit you see on The View. They bond with one another and form everlasting friendships that makes their world a little better.

Men tell jokes and talk about girls they (never) fucked and sports. Oh, and their balls.

The problem comes when XX meets XY. Men and women don't communicate well, and definitely not at the same speed. Women - if you're explaining something, and he doesn't appear to comprehend you, look into his eyes. Chances are you'll see that little hourglass icon in the pupils as his brain catches up to what you're saying. Men - if you see her looking at you the same way - she just doen't care about your Fantasy Football team. Come on, I'm a guy and even I don't give a shit about Fantasy Football. It's Dungeons and Dragons for ex-jocks who made fun of well, people who played Dungeons and Dragons.

Now I'm probably gonna get the "Men Mafia" sicced on me, but what the hell. They can't even afford shirts. How tough can they be?

(We're gonna bust you up, fucker. That takes balls. BIG balls, like we got, right Vinnie?)

Men sometimes just don't get it. We know that there's something we need to do (listen) and not do (fix) in order to make our communications with women better, but it's a mystery to us. (See how I stuck that in there? The Men Mafia don't read inside parentheses. Girl stuff.) It also helps not to call our mate bitch. Adds to the love. And when comes to sports and video games -

Align Right

(He can WATCH the end zone or be IN the end zone - umm, dumbass?)

(the only way this guy's getting laid is if it comes out on Wii...)

Take a little time out. Not all women are sports fans - some just go with it rather than invest in battery powered boyfriends. Look at her once in awhile - is she rolling her eyes when she thinks you're not looking? (Yes, we see that. Peripheral vision. Amazing thing.) Odds are she's just waiting for the final whistle to blow. Better odds - that'll be the only thing. Space out the video games and sports. Try to listen... you would be surprised! Maybe that flannel nightgown will take a vacation for a night or two!

(This is in no way a promise that you will receive sex. Individual results may vary. Void where prohibited. Side effects may include: apathy, curiosity, or her treating you like her "gay" friend.)

Women - try and understand - men are like ADD kids after twelve espressos. We like to joke and shiny things amaze us. Long heartfelt conversations should be able to fit into a text message or tweet (another plug for Twitter! Five dollars!) Kidding, of course. But try to sell your point directly. Then maybe we'll stop hiding behind sports and video games.

(You gotta admit -my fart smells better than you turkey looks HAHAHA - SLAP!)

We have different senses of humor, too. Women appreciat clever well written or thought out jokes, with a beginning, middle, and end. Men think farts are funny. So maybe we can come to a compromise - a well told joke about farts.

See? That's what makes me a master of communication...

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