Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Summer "Surreality" TV and other "entertainment."

This just in...

President Barack Obama has joined the summer lineup with his own game show, Wheel of Taxes! Like your gas, your liquor, your cigarettes? Maybe healthcare benefits? What gets taxed next? Spin the wheel to find out! New on the WB weeknights!

So the regular TV season is over. What do I do now? Something productive? Fuck that. Productive has the word "produce" in it. Too labor intensive. I don't want much more than a coffee and a cigarette. Anything beyond that qualifies as exercise (well, except for one thing.... heh heh heh...)

That leaves writing and TV. Oh, and Twitter. (Another plug for them - woo-hoo!) Unfortunately, all of the shows that have anything resembling quality are either in reruns or have disappeared into the annals of TV history. What's that give us?

A. Reality TV and HIP new shows... or
B. Polished turds.

If you answered either A or B you'd be correct, because they're both the same thing. Don't believe me? Well, let's walk into the Dante's Inferno of summer TV, shall we?

(Left - Lou,Stephen and a bunch of guys in blue tee shirts...... But who the fuck are these women?)

I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.
Okay, I don't know about you, but I'm surprised this sad pile of shit is still on (yeah, I know it's the first week, but still... ) It should be called "Aside from Lou Diamond and Stephen, we don't know who the fuck you are." I mean, I know Sanjai (is that how you spell it?) but if you didn't watch that season of American Idol, you wouldn't. And there's these two dipshits who have declared themselves "super celebrities" and seem to be bouncing back and forth from Costa Rica.

(You can be anything if you're dumb and blonde enough...)

Want to make this show interesting? Kind of get it away from the bug eating - Fear Factor/Survivor thing? Let Spence (what a pussy!) and Heidi back on the show. While they are on the flight back, call Costa Rica Customs and tell them that you suspect that they are smuggling drugs back and forth from the States, which is why they keep on quitting the show. Put a live crew on when they land, and broadcast while they get their respective body cavity searches. NOW they're super celebrities. Then you can have a special challenge where the audience can guess who the fuck the REST OF THESE CELEBRITIES ARE!

So You Think You Can Dance
Overall, I actually like this show somewhat. The auditions are better, because the only thing funnier than a tone deaf "singer" is an uncoordinated spaz dancer. Believe it or not, AI and SYTYCD actually had the same umm... guy? audition AND get tossed from both sets. Kind of tells you the level of delusion, huh? Reminded me of Mick Jagger with Collagen injected in his lips. Get the picture?

("SEX" and his number one groupie. MOM.)

Now on this show I mentioned that guy David, who calls himself SEX. I think he named himself after something he's never tried... he's auditioned five times, each more spastically than the last. His mom is always there. telling the world how good AND sexy he is... creepy. He got beat out in a challenge of sucky dancers. Then they decided to put him into choreography just to show him what real dancers go through. If this were a horse race, he would have been the one they put down. I think he's gonna try again next year though.

Someone got the bright idea to show us the home life of MC Hammer. Hmmm. The daily life of a has been music star and his family. Where have I heard that before? Oh, right. Gene Simmons. C'mon A&E.... couldn't you just try? Just a little?

(Yeah, he wants to be there. Probably wondering what the girls at Hooters are doing.)

Jon and Kate Plus Eight
Finally, the crap that everyone is finally getting tired of... Jon and Kate. I suppose it started as a counter to Octomom, but really... is that all it takes to be famous these days? Have kids? Are we THAT out of ideas? And just how long do they think we can put up with an extra hour of someone else's kids? If I want that shit, I'll go to Chucky Cheese. It's really about Kate anyway. She knows what a lottery looks like when she sees one.

(Octomom and who she thinks she looks like. Jeanine Garafolo, maybe. Or Ugly Betty without glasses.)

I kind of feel bad for Jon, but I really feel bad for the kids. They're like guest stars on the Love Boat. Mommy has gone a little Joan Crawford on their asses, but she doesn't realize - Joan only had to deal with one book about her. Kate gets eight.

Karma's a motherfucker, ain't it?

Sponsored by...

The new Whitney Houston album, "Used Up"
on sale at street corners and crack houses everywhere!

1 comment:

  1. Beautiful! This will stay with me the entire day, particularly SEX & his momma ROFL.. is that seriously Whitney Houston down there? ewwwwwwww...