F**ked up News Network

Come on... I thought they were smarter than that...

(Oh, sure, they WANT you to believe they're all knowing and smart...)

Apparently this actually happened in Minnesota, and I saw it on the news. It's a big business in Jamaica. Yeah - that's right. Jamaica. The country that gave us reggae and a funny bobsled team.

Seems they got the idea to use online and phone scams to trick the elderly into handing over huge sums of money. According to the "victims," they were threatened with attacks on their families if they balked. REALLY? I could almost believe it if :

A. I hadn't actually listened to what a "victim" claimed was a threat (he said - I hope you sleep WELL tonight - eeek! Scary!)
B. They weren't calling from JAMAICA! Even old people have caller ID!

(Seriously... does he LOOK like he's gonna come kill your family? Smoke your weed, maybe...)

Personally, I think that they are... oh, what's the word... right. Greedy. It happens all the time. People think they're going to hit that lottery somehow, and they'll pay to do it. That's how you become a SUCKER. The whole "they're gonna kill us" thing is their way of making us shake our head in pity instead of laughing at them. Our elders. They want you to believe they're the epitomy of wisdom, then they claim they're victims because they're hapless and old. Make up your mind already. Either you're greedy or a dumb-ass. George Carlin was right.

Speaking of weed...

(Every generation needs their own Beavis and Butthead.)

I have a few of those... I'm gonna continue on with dumb crimes and stick them between. The web is visual, after all...

HEADLINE: SYRACUSE, NY

A guy got arrested when he tried to buy a bag of crack with 50.00 and a slaughtered pig. The dealer was also arrested and stated that he wanted the pig for the celebration of a relative who had just been released from prison. During the arrest, someone stole the pig.

So it seems that if you want free pork chops in Syracuse, wait till the cops bust a crack dealer.

(I got a clean shot! Oh wait - FUUUUUCK!!)

HEADLINE: LOUISVILLE, KY

Apparently a pastor at church has decided to mix three of his favorite things together: God, 4th of July, and guns. Yep. Guns. He's having a "bring your guns to church day" to help commemorate the 4th of July. They can't be loaded (wouldn't want no shootin's) - I guess it's check your clips at the door. Kentucky does have a law that allows citizens to carry handguns, with some restrictions. No silencers. Wait - isn't this the same place that had the Hatfields and McCoys a feudin' about a century ago? Sheeeit. Get yer rifle, maw, we'se a goin' ta church! Hyuk hyuk hyuk!

Only in America...

(My short life as a styrofoam head...)

HEADLINE: MANSFIELD, MA.

A medical device manufacturer went bankrupt earlier this year. Listed in its assets were nine corpses, including eight "previously used" ones. I'm thinking they were ALL previously used, otherwised they wouldn't be corpses...but that's me. Apparently the bodies are stored frozen in a site away from the company headquarters.

Well, that's good. Hate to see THAT product spoilage.

(I'm sorry, I don't care who you are. THAT'S funny.)

HEADLINE: SPRINGFIELD, MA

Seems like a lot of dumb shit happens in Massachusetts. In this case, a mother was sitting on a fence while trying to teach her 17 year old daughter to drive. (On the fence?) The girl hit the gas and whump! broke Mommy's legs. Daddy got the ticket for allowing an unlicensed driver to operate a vehicle because he was the registered owner of the vehicle. Ummm... guess what happened to the daughter? NOTHING!

Well, maybe she got a time-out....

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