Monday, December 21, 2009

Well, you didn't think I wouldn't do Christmas, did you?

Well, first...

Krampus Greetings!

The Germans really know how to make their kids behave... if you're on his list, you're only on once.

Nothing like a little good ol' fashioned terror at Christmastime... be aware, though... Santa can kick his ass! Apparently, if you were a bad kid, according to myth, Krampus would steal you from bed, lick you, stuff you in his basket, and kill you. Rumors say that he's the great uncle of the Grinch.... though without the roasting kids part. (Okay, I made that part up, but I'm thinking Cindy Lou Who might of second guessed speaking to him if it were true.)

Cindy Lou Who, who needed a condiment or two.

So I'm looking up stuff for this post, and I had to add Happy Kwanzaa as well, even though I wasn't really sure what it was. Turns out I'm older than the holiday for one... so I had to learn and see if I could poke fun at it, too.

First, I research funny images. Turns out that while there are a lot of images, Kwanzaa doesn't really have any funny ones, unless you hang out with your friends wearing bedsheets with eyeholes. I did find one...

That's pretty much what most people ask...

... but I learned more about the holiday, and was struck by some of it. Well, more the similarities between it and existing holidays where the founders are long since history.

Typical Kwanzaa feast and men - uhh.. kinara in the background.

Typical Hanukkah feast with menorah the background. The foods are different though.

Kwanzaa's founder is still alive. He created it in 1966 to... well, I'll let you draw your own conclusions. It begins on December 26th (don't wanna interrupt Christmas, I guess,) and ends on New Year's day. There are philosophies and tenets to be observed (like in Christmas and Hanukkah,) and the season is filled with eating and imbibing (like the whole Christmas season.) Aside from its principles and the fact that it has no basis in religion whatsoever, it's pretty popular. Well, kinda. The stats I could find post that approximately 1-5% of 10% of the U.S. population actually celebrate it. Yet it still was easier to find a Kwanzaa card than a fucking girlfriend Christmas card... and they even had cards for the mailman!

Okay, enough of all that... now on to why I'm here! My gift to you...

Ahhh... the gift that keeps on giving.

I had a different caption for that, but I found a better image for what I wanted to write...

Merry Christmas! Ho, Ho...Ho. Yeah. I really wrote that.

And I saw this image of Santa... but it made me think of something else.

"The girl is want, the boy, ignorance. Beware them both Ebenezer, but beware the boy most..."

But when I saw the next image, I had to ask why...

I'm thinking Santa is actually a Canadian... least, at first I did. Then I realized - after working all night, he had to come home to this:

Mrs. Claus, with an ummm... little gift of her own. Step awa-ay from the shortbreads!

And finally, people. Please. Stop dressing up your dogs and cats. They hate it and it's not cute. How would you like it if they made you go around sniffing one anothers' asses?

Dude... makin' me sell fucking tacos wasn't enough for you? They give me the shits! Now you got me looking like Carmen Miranda? Just... please. Kill me.

What are you bitching about? I'm a fucking Episcopalian! Look at me! What I would give for opposable thumbs and a Glock...

Christmas is being brought to you by...

Lucky Strike cigarettes. Toasted for great tobacco goodness, and introducing a new reindeer, Cancer! Merry Christmas to all...

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