Christmas from da Barrio... okay, not really.

Merry Christmas from da Barrio, Holmes…

Lemme introduce da first Christmas to you… it ain’t da way they tell it, esse…

First, you got Jose. He thinks he da baby daddy but he not.

Da baby mama, she be Maria. And then da baby, (yeah, there’s two) Jesus, (like hey – Seuss, bro) and his unknown twin, Juan. Juan became a plumber.

Den, you got da Tres Amigos – they brought presents an’ shit like tacos, burritos, and tequila.

Da dudes wit’ wings – they da Border Patrol. No helicopters back then.

Da homey wit’ da sheep is Juan Valdez, Jose’s cousin from Columbia. He said he brought coffee… I dunno.

The camel? Well hey man, everybody knows – that’s da first Lo – Rider! See da purple seat cover gold trim an’ tassels? Can hold all of them, man…

Now you know da True story of da first Christmas, man…

Feliz Navidad!

Happy Holidays from Kim and Ed!

Even Santa's Workshop has bad ideas...

Christmas ain't Christmas without music...

RUN-DMC - Christmas In Hollis (Official Music Video). Watch more top selected videos about: Run-D.M.C.

Christmas? Paid? Why not, I own your house... hum that bug.

Well, another year has come and the holidays have struck again. It's that time when we celebrate the birth of baby Jesus with something called "Black Friday" and five weeks of battling at the local Wal-Mart for the latest Playstation or Wii game. (Jesus would have wanted it that way.) In fact, if you look real close in the Black Ops commercial, you can see baby Jesus turning water into napalm... (yeah, I'll go to hell for that.)

They should put these on the back of potentially crappy gifts.

Thing is, we've had rough times in the past few years. Gifts have got to be good. You can't afford to spend the house payment money on something that will be re-gifted or end up on an episode of Hoarders because the crazy old lady down the street found it in your garbage. So, in the interest of helping you, the reader, here's some stuff you shouldn't get adults...

Sorry, Santa does good. I do naughty. Well.

So... I looked around. Turns out there's a few things you don't want to give or receive. Shit you won't find on Amazon. Maybe E-bay, yes. You can get used toilet paper there if you bid high enough. So here we go.

For the woman who wants to stay in shape... and drunk.

These are all real gifts. A wine tote bra. So what do you get if you prefer your wine in a box?

I don't know about you, but I wouldn't trust that cup of coffee.

Toilet coffee mug. Great gift for the total shit in your life, I guess.

Ummm... really? Are you seriously that lazy?

A pet... petter? If you're too lazy or germaphobic to have a real pet, try this...

Low maintenance... but not high on the affection chart.

Yes, someone made a fortune off of packing boxes with rubble. Only in America. But then, we also were the first to buy water in bottles because someone said it was cool.

The perfect gift for the OCD hoarder in your life. For the rest of us it's just stupid.

Yup. As if fanny packs weren't gay enough. Now... on to the kids. They don't re-gift, they just break it and forget about it. Wait... they do that with every toy.

Don't you just WANNA be the one to tell him?

For every item they love, there's ten that end up as sharp debris under your feet when you're going to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

It's ours.. it's real... and it's fantastic. Eat that, Terri Hatcher.

Let's see what Santa's "mentally optimistic" (brain half full) elves came up with, huh?

I always heard Dora was a whora, but seriously?

I hear if you rub the base she shoots out the top.

A Braille Rubik's cube. So blind kids can be pissed off, too.

Yeah, a blind joke. I'm not worried... not like they're going to see it.

Balls, nuts... it's all the same.

Not really a toy... unless your daughter is a young Democrat with cankles.

Don't know if this is boring or just plain creepy.

Jesus bobbing in my bath water? Just hope this wasn't a Catholic idea...

This is a Russian Roulette game. The guy who came up with this is a special kind of stupid.

Yeah, really. Nothing like preparing the ol' kids to off themselves...

Barbie's knocked up friend, Midge. Can't have Barbie ruin her figure, can we?

First, pregnant Midge. But as usual, no one cared about Barbie's skeezy friend.

Oh, maybe we can... as long as Barbie did it in high school. Even comes with a cell, money, and a little welfare check.

Pregnant Teen Barbie. Because trailer park girls need something to aspire too... and if you order now, you get free tickets to Maury to find out who Barbie's baby daddy is... 

Yup... a kid's tattoo kit. He can even do Little Mermaid tramp stamps.

Just so the trailer park boys don't feel left out, someone came up with this. Note the camo hat. Bet they're drinking real beer, though...

Ummm... yeah... for that budding cocropheliac in your family...

Hmmm... just a truly shitty gift. And that's about it for this Christmas, folks... spend your money wisely, and enjoy the lovely gifts you receive! Okay, at least pretend to. I'm sure the myrrh got re-gifted, too.

Hey! I had a night of nothing but cookies and milk! What'd you expect to see?

Merry Christmas!!!

Brought to you by...

Pirates of the Seamen Beer - for when you want a little head in your drink! Arrr!!!

Well, you didn't think I wouldn't do Christmas, did you?

Well, first...

Krampus Greetings!

The Germans really know how to make their kids behave... if you're on his list, you're only on once.

Nothing like a little good ol' fashioned terror at Christmastime... be aware, though... Santa can kick his ass! Apparently, if you were a bad kid, according to myth, Krampus would steal you from bed, lick you, stuff you in his basket, and kill you. Rumors say that he's the great uncle of the Grinch.... though without the roasting kids part. (Okay, I made that part up, but I'm thinking Cindy Lou Who might of second guessed speaking to him if it were true.)

Cindy Lou Who, who needed a condiment or two.

So I'm looking up stuff for this post, and I had to add Happy Kwanzaa as well, even though I wasn't really sure what it was. Turns out I'm older than the holiday for one... so I had to learn and see if I could poke fun at it, too.

First, I research funny images. Turns out that while there are a lot of images, Kwanzaa doesn't really have any funny ones, unless you hang out with your friends wearing bedsheets with eyeholes. I did find one...

That's pretty much what most people ask...

... but I learned more about the holiday, and was struck by some of it. Well, more the similarities between it and existing holidays where the founders are long since history.

Typical Kwanzaa feast and men - uhh.. kinara in the background.

Typical Hanukkah feast with menorah the background. The foods are different though.

Kwanzaa's founder is still alive. He created it in 1966 to... well, I'll let you draw your own conclusions. It begins on December 26th (don't wanna interrupt Christmas, I guess,) and ends on New Year's day. There are philosophies and tenets to be observed (like in Christmas and Hanukkah,) and the season is filled with eating and imbibing (like the whole Christmas season.) Aside from its principles and the fact that it has no basis in religion whatsoever, it's pretty popular. Well, kinda. The stats I could find post that approximately 1-5% of 10% of the U.S. population actually celebrate it. Yet it still was easier to find a Kwanzaa card than a fucking girlfriend Christmas card... and they even had cards for the mailman!

Okay, enough of all that... now on to why I'm here! My gift to you...

Ahhh... the gift that keeps on giving.

I had a different caption for that, but I found a better image for what I wanted to write...

Merry Christmas! Ho, Ho...Ho. Yeah. I really wrote that.

And I saw this image of Santa... but it made me think of something else.

"The girl is want, the boy, ignorance. Beware them both Ebenezer, but beware the boy most..."

But when I saw the next image, I had to ask why...

I'm thinking Santa is actually a Canadian...

...at least, at first I did. Then I realized - after working all night, he had to come home to this:

Mrs. Claus, with an ummm... little gift of her own. Step awa-ay from the shortbreads!

And finally, people. Please. Stop dressing up your dogs and cats. They hate it and it's not cute. How would you like it if they made you go around sniffing one anothers' asses?

Dude... makin' me sell fucking tacos wasn't enough for you? They give me the shits! Now you got me looking like Carmen Miranda? Just... please. Kill me.

What are you bitching about? I'm a fucking Episcopalian! Look at me! What I would give for opposable thumbs and a Glock...


Christmas is being brought to you by...

Lucky Strike cigarettes. Toasted for great tobacco goodness, and introducing a new reindeer, Cancer! Merry Christmas to all...

Birthday BBQ at Levera beach and an experiment in gullibility...

Tiny Paradise in a big sea...

Map of Grenada - the road trip, from Grand Anse to Levera Beach... long drive!

So here it was, the day after the wedding. We woke up and went to breakfast, chatting about the day ahead - a beach barbecue (or barbeque, depending on where you're from) for Len's birthday. A large tour bus showed up and we ambled out, dressed for the day - and it rained. I mean - raaaaiiiiinnnned. Did that stop us? Hell no! This is Grenada! It don't rain all day here!

Looka de crazy people on de bus... goin' to de beach in de rain. Stupid tourists.

Ummm... we were wrong.

Outside Gouyave - out of focus because of - you guessed it - rain.

Even the cows didn't want to be out in this...

...but I don't think this guy had a choice.

The Grand View staff raced on ahead of us in separate vehicles with the food, and we cruised along the narrow roads in this large silver bus. It was a long ride, and you can't do that without a pit stop - translated, someone has to pee. And smoke. Or both. But not at the same time. Trouble is, there's not a lot of places to pop into (like a McDonald's) where you can unload a bus of people and have them line up. So... we stopped at a police station.

Bet this town never thought they'd play host to the Urinator...

After a brief discussion and a few pee-pee dances, they let those of us who had to go, go. Funny... when I was standing outside having a smoke, I saw a cop car pull up with someone in the back. They let him hang out in the car while they went inside for a minute. Different mentality - the guy just rolled down the window and stayed there. I don't know about Canada, but you'd never see that in the states... he wasn't even bothered being back there. Oh well. It is an island - where's he gonna go?

To most people this is the island off Levera beach, a beautiful place ( I think Gilligan is still there.)

Water crashing on the rocks... I think I saw a volleyball with a face drawn on it there...

Then, as we closed in on Levera beach, the miracle of miracles happened - the rain stopped! Though there were some clouds, the sun shone through, and it looked like we were gonna have a fun day. Speaking of fun, this is where Amanda, a.k.a. Sunshine, comes in. The target: Gabrielle, her cousin.

Gabrielle, doe eyed and gullible as a trout in a fishing pond.

It started the night before, when we were headed up from the wedding. She noticed that her watch time didn't correspond to the SUV's clock and said she didn't understand why she couldn't get the right time. "That's because time as we know it doesn't exist here," I replied innocently, meaning that you don't pay attention to the clock there like you do at home. Time literally doesn't feel like it exists. I didn't expect her reaction, though.

"Really? Serious?"
Oh, I got a nibble. Tee-hee.
"Seriously. They don't have time here. No calenders, clocks, nothing. You didn't notice?"
The big doe eyed look.
"No really. Serious?"
Pause. A tug on the line.
"Oh yeah, that's why your watch doesn't work here."
She looks at Kim in the front seat, then back at me. Kim smiles and shrugs her shoulders.
"Wow..."
Reel it in!
So you know I had to have more fun with her the next day.

...but actually, it's Amanda's Island. And she kicked Gilligan off.

It started when we stepped off the bus. Gabrielle was right behind me and saw the island. "Wow," she said. "What do they call that?" she asked, pointing to the island.
I cast the line. Looked at Amanda.
"Oh, that's Amanda's island. "
Doe eyes again. Almost felt like I had Bambi in a 10x gunsight. I smiled.
"What? That's Amanda's? Serious?"
Clear shot. (Notice how I switch to hunting?) Amanda nods, almost as if on cue.
"Yup," Amanda says casually. "Grandad gave it to me."
Long pause as the tiny gears of her 15 year old mind grind along, trying to comprehend the information.
"Serious?"
Now Amanda sights her down too. She grins at me. Something conspiratorial, almost evil in a fun way.
"Oh yeah,"she replied. " That's all mine. "
BLAM! BLAM!
We both struck at the same time and she fell for it like a deer at a salt lick.
"Wow... holeee..."
Later I told Kim about it, and she decided to get a shot in. See, there's another island -

That's Annette... and in front of her, Annette's Island. Gilligan never went there.

- so Kim added to the fun. As they set up the boat...

The boat... almost pretty enough to be an oil painting. Wait... it usually is!

Kim and I started talking withing earshot of Gabrielle. We chatted about Amanda's Isle (actually I think it's called Sugarloaf) and Kim, without missing a beat, pointed out Annette's island. Annette was standing nearby and didn't comment (Kim already told her about it) and kept a totally straight face. Gabrielle listened, nearly broke her own neck looking over at the islands, and muttered...
"Wow..."
Sucker.
Yeah, it's not fair to play that on a fifteen year old. Sort of. But she's fifteen. No one can be that gullible. Or can they? Later that night, she came up and said tha she found out it wasn't Amanda's Island. How could it be?
"Oh, it's part of the estate. Mr. Griffith's an important man here. You want to see the deed and title? I can get him to show you," I replied.
Silence for a moment.
"Wow..."
Like fishing with dynamite....

Soon the grill was set up in the boat and Emanuel was cooking-

Emanuel and Aunty Linda making wings and potato salad in the boat/grill. Damn good food... and Emanuel is one of the best chefs I've ever met. Hilarious, too.

- and making some of the best wings I've ever eaten. And I'm a wing eater from way back. We all enjoyed the meal -

A montage of life as it should be. Fun and never ending.

Anthony, or GT, (left) one of Len's main staffers - the guy can fix anything. Center - Ann, and the man of the day, Len (right.)

Len, watching the beach and making sure those kids didn't engage in too much stupidness. (Yeah, he looks casual, but he always does. Don't doubt for a minute that the man isn't on top of things.)

And there's the ever present beach dog... we fed him bits of chicken.

- and had some fun on the beach. The water was great, and there were activities on the beach, like making a "Sandman"...

Jordan (under the sand) lays calmly as Ian (center) and his brother Micheal and sister "Gullible" Gabrielle make him into a "he-man!"

Or... maybe a she-male. (Yes, if you look reeeaaalll close... you can tell.)

...or just doing things in the sand.

Liz, a.k.a. "Taxi Girl", trying to dig her way to freedom in Switzerland.

Pretty soon it was time to make the long journey back. So everyone settled into the bus...

Gabrielle dreams of the day she can get her own island...

Emanuel (dude, I hope I'm spelling your name right,) and GT took off ahead of time. We deliberately delayed a bit, then piled back on the bus. The ride back was a bit quieter. People were recharging their batteries (oddly enough, mostly the younger among us.) I took a few pics, some of historic significance.

A 153 year old cathedral, now a ruin, is still beautiful.

A couple of damaged Cuban planes still line the old airfield, a reminder of the past. What you call it depends on who you are. I call it old planes.

Some were just remarkable.

The valley leading down toward Grenada's Sports Stadium. Hell of a drop...

We made it back with one more stop (to pee, of course) and everyone split off to their rooms. Dinner was at eight, but the restaurant was going to be closed. That didn't mean the kitchen wasn't busy, however.

Emanuel and Kellan (the other chef, also awesome) were busy setting up a buffet for a party. Rachel, the Pirate's Cove bartender, arranged it. You know how hard it is to keep a secret in a fishbowl? We pulled it off, though... total surprise. Len had no idea... as far as we know.

Tuck, (left) our resident rum "expert," leads the charge in a surprise welcome into the sports bar, where the party was held.

Kim lends a hand serving up goodies alongside Kellan (midright.)

The food came out, and soon the party was underway... and Rachel brought out the cake.

Wait.... I'm older than seven...where's she gettin' her information?

Len, a happy man on a happy day. Thanks for everything...

The night was great, and we all had a wonderful time. The food was excellent, and the guys at the Jolly Roger Sports bar were terrific in helping us out. Since is the last blog post about the visit, I wanted to thank everyone there for their hard work and just being great people to be around. And to GT - bumps.

Sponsored by...

Testamints gum - because you never know when you're going to meet Jesus, and you'll want minty breath when you do!!

(This is a real product, but the ad isn't. In fact, I'm probably going to hell for it.)