Seaside Heights... we're not all Guidos.

Some are just Douche-Bags.

Some are both. They're called a "Guidouche." Made it harder to be just a normal guy.

Looks like I'm not the only one.

Funny as Hell.

Special thanks to "Key of Awesome" - check them out on YouTube.

Seaside Heights, NJ... the beach. I rarely actually went on the beach. Umm... during the day.

This was more my playground.... boards at night. More honeypots than a bee farm.

Local honey.

Okay first - let me point something out. There is way more Jersey Shore than just Seaside Heights. You have Point Pleasant, Wildwood, Atlantic City, Island Heights, and Cape May, to name a few. Seaside just happens to be one of the oldest attractions (founded in 1912 and turned into a resort in the early 20's.) And, aside from Atlantic City, one of the only interesting ones. I've been to all of them.

Another busy summer day at Point Pleasant Beach. Woo - hoo.

The only people who call Seaside Heights the Jersey Shore are BENNYs. The acronym stands for: Bayonne, Elizabeth, Newark, New York. It applies to anyone who comes down from up north. (Even you, DJ Paulie D.) Those of us who live nearby simply call it the beach unless someone asks "which beach?" Then we have to cock our heads like a dog hearing something for the first time and grunt "Seaside."

Daytime = locals and assorted old people. You can tell they're not guidos because they get their tan from the sun.

The difference between East coast and West coast boardwalk food - East coast will eventually kill ya, West coast just makes you wish you were dead.

Give you three guesses what the local cuisine influence is.

Had to make sure I got these guys in... awesome food.

I'm thinking that's why the Seaside boardwalk evolved the way it did, though... because of the strong Italian influence in New Jersey and New York, it showed in the way the rest of us recreated. Right down to the food.

You can smell these babies cooking from the lot at the end of the boardwalk. Mmmm.

Best pizza I ever had was in NJ... the one thing I really miss about that place.

I'm not Italian, not even close. Back then, you didn't have to be - just had to have beer, tunes, maybe some weed and a car and the girls flocked. Well, you didn't even need a car, really. That's what the beach was for. Most of the girls I met were local or close at least. The bar there to go to then was the Dutch Mill Inn (burned down a long time ago.) There were what we called "pretty boys," but they just kinda flocked together, acting like idiots and hi-fiving each other. Strangely enough... I don't remember seeing them with any girls. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

The original Guido prototype. Bulletproof hair and Teflon Armani. What? Too soon?

Modern day real NJ Guidos. They didn't make the audition. Too real.

And "Guidos"? Yeah, we had them. It was kind of a tough guy thing there... like a mobster type. Some of them were douches, but most were okay. Just like anyone else. By the way - we didn't make that name up. They did. And I'm pretty sure no self respecting Italian would wear the term Guido as a badge of pride today. Least of all the way it merged into the fuck-mess that it is now. So, my Italian friends past and present, as they say - no disrespect.

Three guidos and a guidouche. Guess which? (hint: Mike) Oompah - loompah- doopity - do, I got another club skank for you...

I saw somewhere that Snooki, one of the girls from the show, offered an explanation on the difference between Guidos and Guidettes. Let me simplify - fake tan, tattoos, over-plucked eyebrows, shaved down, bad makeup, overdone hair, and an obnoxious ignorance that makes you give your head a shake. How do you separate them? Guidettes only act like they have penises.

Q: Can you spot the Guidette? A: Trick question. Trannys don't count.

So, that said, I had to watch this show and see what had everybody in an uproar. The fact that advertisers pulled out is beyond stupid - it only adds to the appeal and thus increases the revenue. People, myself included, had that morbid curiosity all of the sudden: how bad is this train wreck?

First thing I said when I saw this show - "Oh my God! They're using that fucking house? I've been there!"

It's like Friends, but... skeezy.

Turns out, not as bad as I thought. It's no worse than Survivor or Real World or any of those other claustrophobic white trash shows. It's just at the beach. The cast is a - well, can you really call it a cast? That implies acting talent. This is just an assortment of hair gel, makeup, and tanning spray with a few condoms thrown in. If you haven't met them, here they are:

Angelina, Staten Island. She was the closest female to normal.

Jenni, "J-Woww." More like "What the fuck." Has a boyfriend back home, but reminds me of a roller coaster. Everyone gets a ride.

Mike "Situation." The only true Guidouche. Got the shit knocked out of him by Jenni. Will do anyone who comes near him - including some club chick after she gave Vinnie a little treat in the men's room. It's not robbery if you're stealing trash, Mike. (Staten Island.)

Nicole "Snooki", Marlboro, NY. Little Guidette, all hair, push up bras and mouth (which helps explain why she got decked not once, but twice. Not advocating, just saying...) My son, who lives in Toms River (about ten minutes away,) informed me that Snooki is charging 2000.00 a pop to appear with her. For two grand, it better be more than an appearance. On second thought... I'll just keep the money.

DJ Paulie D, Johnston, RI. Probably the closest to the old time Guidos looks-wise, and the only semi-celebrity before he arrived. Not a BENNY - Rhode Island doesn't count. They have enough problems being Rhode Island.

Ronnie, Bronx, NY. Seems like a nice guy most of the time - but the Bronx comes out more often than it should. By the way - that guy who heckled him until they fought on the boardwalk - a cop. He beat down a cop. Middletown Township. They must be so proud. He is the closest anyof the guys get to having a relationship.
Now if he could lose the Dairy Queen swirl on top of his head...

Sammi, Hazlet, NJ. Almost a BENNY. Very insecure, but seems to be a sweet girl just the same. For a Jersey Girl. Ronnie's uh... girlfriend, hookup, whatever. "Situation" said he was gonna rob her from Ronnie. She's not your type, man... she doesn't have a mustache.

Vinnie, Staten Island. Shouldn't even be here. He's not off his mamma's titty yet. Nice kid, though.

To MTV's credit, they did see to it that they embarrassed Atlantic City as well. I can see it now... "Hey! Who let the orange monkeys in da casino???" The only thing that sucks is that they are promoting this as the way of life there. I guess the upside is that for those on the hunt for women, Seaside will be a hotspot when season two rolls around. Just remember, ladies, when you come down to the "Jersey Shore," you're not really likely to get what you see... you're more likely to get this:

They may not be the prettiest crew, but they are one thing: real.

Accept it. You'll have fun. Just remember the next time you might think about visiting the shore - Snooki's waiting... and bring 2000.00. (No one's taken her up on it yet.)

Brought to you by...

Hello Kitty Pizzas. For when you're feeling hungry and just a little gay.

Well, you didn't think I wouldn't do Christmas, did you?

Well, first...

Krampus Greetings!

The Germans really know how to make their kids behave... if you're on his list, you're only on once.

Nothing like a little good ol' fashioned terror at Christmastime... be aware, though... Santa can kick his ass! Apparently, if you were a bad kid, according to myth, Krampus would steal you from bed, lick you, stuff you in his basket, and kill you. Rumors say that he's the great uncle of the Grinch.... though without the roasting kids part. (Okay, I made that part up, but I'm thinking Cindy Lou Who might of second guessed speaking to him if it were true.)

Cindy Lou Who, who needed a condiment or two.

So I'm looking up stuff for this post, and I had to add Happy Kwanzaa as well, even though I wasn't really sure what it was. Turns out I'm older than the holiday for one... so I had to learn and see if I could poke fun at it, too.

First, I research funny images. Turns out that while there are a lot of images, Kwanzaa doesn't really have any funny ones, unless you hang out with your friends wearing bedsheets with eyeholes. I did find one...

That's pretty much what most people ask...

... but I learned more about the holiday, and was struck by some of it. Well, more the similarities between it and existing holidays where the founders are long since history.

Typical Kwanzaa feast and men - uhh.. kinara in the background.

Typical Hanukkah feast with menorah the background. The foods are different though.

Kwanzaa's founder is still alive. He created it in 1966 to... well, I'll let you draw your own conclusions. It begins on December 26th (don't wanna interrupt Christmas, I guess,) and ends on New Year's day. There are philosophies and tenets to be observed (like in Christmas and Hanukkah,) and the season is filled with eating and imbibing (like the whole Christmas season.) Aside from its principles and the fact that it has no basis in religion whatsoever, it's pretty popular. Well, kinda. The stats I could find post that approximately 1-5% of 10% of the U.S. population actually celebrate it. Yet it still was easier to find a Kwanzaa card than a fucking girlfriend Christmas card... and they even had cards for the mailman!

Okay, enough of all that... now on to why I'm here! My gift to you...

Ahhh... the gift that keeps on giving.

I had a different caption for that, but I found a better image for what I wanted to write...

Merry Christmas! Ho, Ho...Ho. Yeah. I really wrote that.

And I saw this image of Santa... but it made me think of something else.

"The girl is want, the boy, ignorance. Beware them both Ebenezer, but beware the boy most..."

But when I saw the next image, I had to ask why...

I'm thinking Santa is actually a Canadian...

...at least, at first I did. Then I realized - after working all night, he had to come home to this:

Mrs. Claus, with an ummm... little gift of her own. Step awa-ay from the shortbreads!

And finally, people. Please. Stop dressing up your dogs and cats. They hate it and it's not cute. How would you like it if they made you go around sniffing one anothers' asses?

Dude... makin' me sell fucking tacos wasn't enough for you? They give me the shits! Now you got me looking like Carmen Miranda? Just... please. Kill me.

What are you bitching about? I'm a fucking Episcopalian! Look at me! What I would give for opposable thumbs and a Glock...


Christmas is being brought to you by...

Lucky Strike cigarettes. Toasted for great tobacco goodness, and introducing a new reindeer, Cancer! Merry Christmas to all...

H1N1, Swine Flu, whatever. I got it.

Sort of says it all.

(Well, it's kinda like they way they said AIDS started... what? Too soon?)

So here I am. Sitting at home for the seventh day, sick and waiting to get better so I can resume my life. Why? Because I have the dreaded H1N1... granted, it's nearing the end, but it's getting better.

(I didn't get this....)

(...or wear this - hers is cool, but why get it pierced?)

(So... I ended up getting this. Not the woman, the symptom. Where's your mind, anyway?)

It's my second flu of the year. First, I had the seasonal, which the vaccine isn't out for yet, because everyone was running around trying to get ready for H1N1. Okay, fine. But I want my other vaccine when it's ready, right? I mean, they had a whole year to prepare... oh, wait. That's right. This isn't as new as anyone thinks.

(Gerald Ford getting his shot in '76 - the only brain death.)

The last Swine Flu was in 1976. 40 million people in the US were vaccinated. One person died from the disease, and 30 died from the vaccination. Yeah... that works.

(...and we will continue to use swine biological weapons against the imperialist humans until they free our brothers at ALL bacon camps... REVOLUTION!)

Well, I thought, let them try this one out. See who it kills, and if I don't fit that group, then I'll get it.

Every day I listened to the news, read the news, saw it on the internet, whether I wanted to or not - the Swine Flu was coming like a Hollywood premiere to my town soon. And to make it sound more ominous, they gave it a spooky name: H1N1. Mysterious. So mysterious it only gets letters and numbers in its name. Much scarier than swine flu, which sounds like a pig with a runny nose.

The media ran with it. Every fucking day. They are still doing it. A fair number of people I know have had it, and we're all still alive. Why? Because, in the end, it's just a fucking flu. Granted, if I hadn't ended up with it, I wouldn't have a lung infection now, but I'm not smoking, so I guess everything has a purpose. At least I'm immune. Well, until it mutates.

(Standing in the rain here in Canada, waiting for their flu shot. Yeah. Smart.)

We have the vaccine here in Canada, and right here in Manitoba in fact. But the government, in it's infinite wisdom, keeps stepping on its collective dick. First, they shipped H1N1 supplies to the Northern Reserves, who were happy to receive priority on this "pandemic" until they started opening the boxes.

(This is what they expected...)

(This is what they got... and no, it's not a suit bag.)

Imagine their surprise. I can't begin to fathom what mental process read one and did the other. It worked out for them, though. They actually ended up getting their full dosage of vaccines.

What about the rest of us? Well...

We were prioritized. If you were say, indigent, a baby, old, or health compromised, you got a shot. Basically, mostly people who don't pay for it. Not all bad news - firemen, healthcare workers and civil servants got them. Well, not ALL civil servants.

(You're more likely to get H1N1 from this guy...)

(...than this guy. But hey, cheer up, there's always Hep C, right?)

Teachers wanted priority too. They felt that dealing with unhygienic booger machines on a daily basis entitled them to their shot. They'll probably get it. Which means that I, along with the bulk of Canadians, wait. Why? Because they found that there wasn't enough to go around once the priority people were taken care of. Well, at least the guy bumming a dollar from you won't give you the flu...

Some decided to take the easy way out and queue jump - the Health Ministry took a firm stand on that, though. They said don't do that. And if you do, we can't turn you away. Uh-huh... about as firm as room temperature butter.

I took the tough way and decided to get sick instead. Well... I didn't exactly choose it. It chose me. And admittedly, I was a little worried... I mean, this is a major pandemic, right? End of the world and all that happy shit?

Not really. Seasonal flu kills more people. Last year's designer flu, the Avian or bird flu, had 429 clinical cases. 262 died. That's almost 65% mortality compared to the less than 7% mortality of this year's designer, H1N1. Not quite a pandemic.

Listen up, you jackasses at CNN and other news outlets - this is a pandemic. Malaria. It affected (clinically) 120 MILLION people in 2009, and killed 800,000. In one year. It's been around since 450 B.C. at least. But no one cares about that one... maybe we can give it a cool new name.

Want a really scary disease? Try Ebola, Zaire strain. This particularly nasty disease literally liquefies everything in the body except bone and skeletal muscle. Kills you in 21 days, no cure. 80% mortality rate (how anyone survives is beyond me.) But, since it, like Malaria, really only affects African and Third World countries, no one really gives a shit.

Oh, should I have not said that aloud?

Anyway, I've been sick since Friday and am slowly healing. I can't wait - I can only take so much of Maury Povich and "who my baby daddy is" - though I do like Judge Mathis. Come next week, I'll be healed and immune.

Then they can take my shot and give it to a cop.

Sponsored by...

The all new Ziploc Soccer-Mom Saver - for when you're disease paranoid and want to look fashionably stupid...

(Also available in new Redneck Style - includes Wal-Mart shopping bag, duct tape and Buck Knife for making eyeholes.)