Do they at least KISS you before they F**K you?

The Canadian 20.00 bill. Well, sorta.

(didn't notice the slight image change when I uploaded it - can you?)

Unemployment sucks. So does the government.

(At least HE gets residuals...)

Seems to me that if you work for a company for 15 years and get laid off, you should be able to rely on the government - who you PAID - to give you some of the money back that you GAVE them. Well, gave may be too soft a word. Had extorted from you is more adequate.

A friend had that happen to her. She is married and has two kids at home. Laid off on May 1st, she decided to make the transition to get her EI (Employment Insurance - the PC term for UN-employment... sounds less painful. Like calling death a life status change. Fucking stupid.) She applied online - the fastest way, huh? BZZZZZZ!! No, Alex. The answer is - it doesn't matter. She still hasn't received anything. When she called EI, they said they haven't even processed it yet. WHAT? Are you fucking kidding? For my American brethren, Canada has turned government jobs - aka - beauracracy, into an industry. But the shitty customer service is the same as it is there.

(Yeah..I could give ya a loan. No job? No problem. Fuhgeddaboudit.)

She asked when she could expect something and was told late June. "What am I supposed to do to pay bills?" You could extend you line of credit or get a loan, they said. Seriously. They ACTUALLY suggested that. With no job. Riiiight...

How's she supposed to help feed her family? Well, there's this:

(Our soup of the day is desperation noodle...)

Or this:

(Actual Mission in Winnipeg - just to demonstrate a point. They do good work.)

Or she could have applied for welfare, in which case she'd already be receiving a check. Oh, wait... she's married. She can't do that. So I guess the Good Hands people of the "Canadian Employment Insurance Company" feel fine just giving her the finger... who cares, right? They got jobs. Well, if all else I guess there's always a market for...

(I'm working on my tax free retirement plan...)

Really inspires faith in government. Speaking of entrepeneurs, Minneapolis lost another one today.

Tiger St. Claire Caged

(Looks more like a cougar to me...)

Nora Lee Anderson (any relation to Pam? Nah - Pam just looks like one) was arrested for operating an online prostitution ring. Apparently potential clients had to fill out questionnaires to ensure that they weren't police officers. Yeah, that worked. (Nora... it's the internet. Liars Paradise.) She called her operation FastPass - like the little credit card. Shit. I can only buy gas with mine...

The police closed the website and seized the client list. Among them - one of the areas' most prominent businessmen, to whom the working girls referred to as the "cheapest bastard alive."

This comes on the heels of another sting run by a local prosecutor, called "The Nice Guys." I get a warm and fuzzy knowing the government is out there looking out for me... when they're not trying to get laid. Or fucking the people that got them jobs in the first place.

I also wanted to share a Clinton vacation photo... seems Bill REALLY likes sailing...

(Aarr.. hang her from me mizzen mast... aaarrr)

And since we're on crime, I got a mug or two.

(I fucking TOLD you I don't like my photo taken!)

How about this guy?

(No, really. I'm Adam Lambert. I swear-sing? Umm. Fuck. You got me.)

And Andy Dick gives us his best Rodert Deniro impression...

(Y'all come down to Cape Fear sometime, hear?)

But when it's all said and done, life is good.

As long as I don't lose my job.

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A Narcissist's View of the Internet...and Brett Micheals.

Me, in 1969.

(I'm on the right. Must have been thinking... what the hell do I write next? And... I got to poop.)

See? Even I'm not safe from myself. Okay, so I get home from work today and I'm wondering... what the hell do I write about? My hopes and dreams? What, am I a girl? Please... you see what I look like. I am capable of smiling, but usually at someone else's expense. Usually. So that's a big fat no. So out of curiosity, I perused some other blogs...

I found a few that I really liked. Became a follower instantly. But for the most part it was like this:

( A kid after my own heart... awwww... must be Gordon Ramsey's son.)

1. Baby's room, ready to go! - Great. Another booger machine who will end up with the name of the day, usually something that gets them lifelong beatings or time on the brass pole. Don't care. Next.

(The only thing you get when you do E-business.)

2. How to make money on the internet.... my mind turned to white noise at this point. I get enough of that useless pyramid shit everywhere else. Think I'm going to take the time to read it here? On purpose? Next.

(He doesn't know I farted... wait... wait... any second now...)

3. Something with compelling images. And words written in something akin to hieroglyphics. Need a translator. Next.

(I told the wife to go with the one piece, but noooo...)

4. The family/couple trip. Glad you had a good time. I know I did, because I wasn't there with YOU! Shame no one except other mountain biking ice fishermen will give a shit. Next.

(Oh God, please kill me so I don't have to be paparrazi'd on this FUCKING blog anymore...)

5. Cutsie pet pages... the ones that document in infinite detail the pet's daily life and adventures. Oh boy, I can not WAIT to read about Ms. Persian Princess' game of chase the dust bunny and how cute she is when she covers a turd in her litter box... just give me a pair of pencils to stick in my eyes.

That's a rough shot - don't get me wrong. I'm sure there are people who think I suck, too.

Somewhere.

And in Entertainment News...

No girls, really. It's shrinkage... like when you come out a pool. Seriously. I'm a monster.

Brett Micheals of the former hair band Poison (he wore more makeup than some of the girls he uh... courts... yeah, courts... on his show - and was prettier) injured himself at the end of a performance on the Tony awards last night. Apparently he got smacked by a piece of the set during his exit. Guess he was looking over his shouulder for one of the girls he used and tossed, huh?

My hero. Not.

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Being an asshole... priceless.

F**ked up News Network

Come on... I thought they were smarter than that...

(Oh, sure, they WANT you to believe they're all knowing and smart...)

Apparently this actually happened in Minnesota, and I saw it on the news. It's a big business in Jamaica. Yeah - that's right. Jamaica. The country that gave us reggae and a funny bobsled team.

Seems they got the idea to use online and phone scams to trick the elderly into handing over huge sums of money. According to the "victims," they were threatened with attacks on their families if they balked. REALLY? I could almost believe it if :

A. I hadn't actually listened to what a "victim" claimed was a threat (he said - I hope you sleep WELL tonight - eeek! Scary!)
B. They weren't calling from JAMAICA! Even old people have caller ID!

(Seriously... does he LOOK like he's gonna come kill your family? Smoke your weed, maybe...)

Personally, I think that they are... oh, what's the word... right. Greedy. It happens all the time. People think they're going to hit that lottery somehow, and they'll pay to do it. That's how you become a SUCKER. The whole "they're gonna kill us" thing is their way of making us shake our head in pity instead of laughing at them. Our elders. They want you to believe they're the epitomy of wisdom, then they claim they're victims because they're hapless and old. Make up your mind already. Either you're greedy or a dumb-ass. George Carlin was right.

Speaking of weed...

(Every generation needs their own Beavis and Butthead.)

I have a few of those... I'm gonna continue on with dumb crimes and stick them between. The web is visual, after all...

HEADLINE: SYRACUSE, NY

A guy got arrested when he tried to buy a bag of crack with 50.00 and a slaughtered pig. The dealer was also arrested and stated that he wanted the pig for the celebration of a relative who had just been released from prison. During the arrest, someone stole the pig.

So it seems that if you want free pork chops in Syracuse, wait till the cops bust a crack dealer.

(I got a clean shot! Oh wait - FUUUUUCK!!)

HEADLINE: LOUISVILLE, KY

Apparently a pastor at church has decided to mix three of his favorite things together: God, 4th of July, and guns. Yep. Guns. He's having a "bring your guns to church day" to help commemorate the 4th of July. They can't be loaded (wouldn't want no shootin's) - I guess it's check your clips at the door. Kentucky does have a law that allows citizens to carry handguns, with some restrictions. No silencers. Wait - isn't this the same place that had the Hatfields and McCoys a feudin' about a century ago? Sheeeit. Get yer rifle, maw, we'se a goin' ta church! Hyuk hyuk hyuk!

Only in America...

(My short life as a styrofoam head...)

HEADLINE: MANSFIELD, MA.

A medical device manufacturer went bankrupt earlier this year. Listed in its assets were nine corpses, including eight "previously used" ones. I'm thinking they were ALL previously used, otherwised they wouldn't be corpses...but that's me. Apparently the bodies are stored frozen in a site away from the company headquarters.

Well, that's good. Hate to see THAT product spoilage.

(I'm sorry, I don't care who you are. THAT'S funny.)

HEADLINE: SPRINGFIELD, MA

Seems like a lot of dumb shit happens in Massachusetts. In this case, a mother was sitting on a fence while trying to teach her 17 year old daughter to drive. (On the fence?) The girl hit the gas and whump! broke Mommy's legs. Daddy got the ticket for allowing an unlicensed driver to operate a vehicle because he was the registered owner of the vehicle. Ummm... guess what happened to the daughter? NOTHING!

Well, maybe she got a time-out....

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