When Celebrities Attack!

Andy Dick Shows Us How He Deals With Kathy Griffin.

(or is this the only way SHE can put up with a loud, effeminate, has-been drunk? )

Well, the weather here in good ol' Winnipeg has gone stranger than ever, which makes me believe one thing. The folks who cry about global warming have never been here. Rain. Cold. Warm. More fucking rain. Cold again. Glad I'm not a farmer... I'd probably kill myself.

Needless to say, it doesn't allow for much in the way of outdoor activities. Some of my favorite indoor activities can only be done during certain hours... so... all that remains is writing and TV. Twitter doesn't get a plug this - oh, shit. They just did, didn't they?

Part of TV is the celebrities. I'm sure they want you to see them in their best light, as that's the idea behind any TRUE Narcissist's game plan. Pay attention to me! Pay attention to me! Okay, but I don't want no preplanned preposed bullshit. I want to see your spoiled ass losing your fucking mind because the caterer couldn't find a vendor that would provide you with Belgian chocolate M&M's (don't look, they don't make them) and smacking the director with a bottle of Volvic. THAT's entertainment.

It's not like there haven't been meltdowns, either. Some are hilarious, some tragic. Some a little of both. Hollywood has DEFINITELY had its share. Back in the day - I mean from the inception of Hollywood to about the early 60's... Hollywood had an image to uphold. Public meltdowns were a no-no. So... back then, meltdowns tended to be more on the tragic side.

(Lupe Velez - the Mexican Spitfire)

Take this lady, Lupe Velez. Her nickname was the "Mexican Spitfire." A beautiful woman, but with her accent and time against her, she knew her options were running out. She was outrageous and most of the public loved her, though her personal life was a mess. Then she got pregnant. BIG no-no in 1940's Hollywood. Some people have no clue as to who she was, but she made over 40 films and was married to Johnny Weismuller (Tarzan) for five years. She committed suicide in 1944 - the way meltdowns used to happen. But she did it with class... flowers, candles, and sleeping pills. I'm not poking fun at it - but I am illustrating something. It took a LOT for this woman to melt down. Not today. Usually it's the end result of too much attention, money, and more than enough drugs. Got to be tough, I tell ya.

(Susan Boyle and the Spam lady from Monty Python - one's an institution, and the other's been to one.)

These days, what do we have... Susan Boyle. Nice voice, but seriously, no one really listens to that music who doesn't subscribe to PBS. Niche career at best. I really hope someone finds a place for her... but if you're gonna be a celeb, you gotta toughen up. Kind of like I'm going to have to for poking fun at Susan Boyle. She's not going to make it at the rate she's going... the press is already losing interest. Remember Charlotte Church? I didn't think so.

(Charlotte Church - the first Briton the world forgot.)

But we have our own "fun" celebs... say... oh, I don't know. How about Dennis Rodman? A basketball player... then he went Hollywood. Now look at him.

(umm... I, uhh... yeah. Fuck. Wow.)

I think this is what happens when you fuck Madonna. In fact, I think Madonna is the catalyst for some celeb meltdowns... remember Britney? I mean, she wasn't fooling anyone with her bullshit coy innocence act, but this seemed to be the beginning of her landslide into stupidity.

(not that there's anything wrong with it...)

(Britney doing her best Charles Manson impression.)

Okay, well... deeper into stupidity. The only women who passed her were the Simpson sisters, with the Olsen anorexics on their tails. And who can forget the KING?

That's right... Micheal Jackson. Once an icon of pop music, he decided to have a lifelong meltdown. As you can see, here he is in his early days...

(oh yeah, I recognize him...)

And somewhere along the line, he decided he ran out of shit to buy. Guess he didn't like fixing up cars, so...

(Mr. Potato-Head Micheal)

... he went with plastic surgery instead. He just forgot - that unlike a car, you can't buy real spare parts if you fuck them up. And sometimes the more you play with something the worse it gets. Which is probably why he looks like a retarded wood elf.


I guess it could be worse... he COULD look like Diana Ross. Oh, wait...

He does.

Sponsored by...

Tom Cruise Evening Wear - for when you've totally gone around the bend.

Summer "Surreality" TV and other "entertainment."

This just in...

President Barack Obama has joined the summer lineup with his own game show, Wheel of Taxes! Like your gas, your liquor, your cigarettes? Maybe healthcare benefits? What gets taxed next? Spin the wheel to find out! New on the WB weeknights!

So the regular TV season is over. What do I do now? Something productive? Fuck that. Productive has the word "produce" in it. Too labor intensive. I don't want much more than a coffee and a cigarette. Anything beyond that qualifies as exercise (well, except for one thing.... heh heh heh...)

That leaves writing and TV. Oh, and Twitter. (Another plug for them - woo-hoo!) Unfortunately, all of the shows that have anything resembling quality are either in reruns or have disappeared into the annals of TV history. What's that give us?

A. Reality TV and HIP new shows... or
B. Polished turds.

If you answered either A or B you'd be correct, because they're both the same thing. Don't believe me? Well, let's walk into the Dante's Inferno of summer TV, shall we?









(Left - Lou,Stephen and a bunch of guys in blue tee shirts...... But who the fuck are these women?)

I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.

Okay, I don't know about you, but I'm surprised this sad pile of shit is still on (yeah, I know it's the first week, but still... ) It should be called "Aside from Lou Diamond and Stephen, we don't know who the fuck you are." I mean, I know Sanjai (is that how you spell it?) but if you didn't watch that season of American Idol, you wouldn't. And there's these two dipshits who have declared themselves "super celebrities" and seem to be bouncing back and forth from Costa Rica.

(You can be anything if you're dumb and blonde enough...)

Want to make this show interesting? Kind of get it away from the bug eating - Fear Factor/Survivor thing? Let Spence (what a pussy!) and Heidi back on the show. While they are on the flight back, call Costa Rica Customs and tell them that you suspect that they are smuggling drugs back and forth from the States, which is why they keep on quitting the show. Put a live crew on when they land, and broadcast while they get their respective body cavity searches. NOW they're super celebrities. Then you can have a special challenge where the audience can guess who the fuck the REST OF THESE CELEBRITIES ARE!

So You Think You Can Dance

Overall, I actually like this show somewhat. The auditions are better, because the only thing funnier than a tone deaf "singer" is an uncoordinated spaz dancer. Believe it or not, AI and SYTYCD actually had the same umm... guy? audition AND get tossed from both sets. Kind of tells you the level of delusion, huh? Reminded me of Mick Jagger with Collagen injected in his lips. Get the picture?

("SEX" and his number one groupie. MOM.)

Now on this show I mentioned that guy David, who calls himself SEX. I think he named himself after something he's never tried... he's auditioned five times, each more spastically than the last. His mom is always there. telling the world how good AND sexy he is... creepy. He got beat out in a challenge of sucky dancers. Then they decided to put him into choreography just to show him what real dancers go through. If this were a horse race, he would have been the one they put down. I think he's gonna try again next year though.

Someone got the bright idea to show us the home life of MC Hammer. Hmmm. The daily life of a has been music star and his family. Where have I heard that before? Oh, right. Gene Simmons. C'mon A&E.... couldn't you just try? Just a little?

(Yeah, he wants to be there. Probably wondering what the girls at Hooters are doing.)

Jon and Kate Plus Eight

Finally, the crap that everyone is finally getting tired of... Jon and Kate. I suppose it started as a counter to Octomom, but really... is that all it takes to be famous these days? Have kids? Are we THAT out of ideas? And just how long do they think we can put up with an extra hour of someone else's kids? If I want that shit, I'll go to Chucky Cheese. It's really about Kate anyway. She knows what a lottery looks like when she sees one.

(Octomom and who she thinks she looks like. Ummm...no. Jeanine Garafolo, maybe. Or Ugly Betty without glasses.)

I kind of feel bad for Jon, but I really feel bad for the kids. They're like guest stars on the Love Boat. Mommy has gone a little Joan Crawford on their asses, but she doesn't realize - Joan only had to deal with one book about her. Kate gets eight.

Karma's a motherfucker, ain't it?

Sponsored by...

The new Whitney Houston album, "Used Up"
on sale at street corners and crack houses everywhere!

Good thing the world's not this f**ked up... or is it?

North Korean Stealth Missiles Fail.

As you can see, the North Koreans, realizing that they may not be able to deliver large nuclear payloads over entire oceans, have instead opted to use locally delivered stealth rockets. Homeland Security has obtained video of a North Korean agent, code named Andrew, attempting to launch an ASSFire (American Seeking Stealth) missile, with the same unfortunate results as they had with their ICBM missile. The idea behind this - to destroy America and its allies with rectally delivered nuclear warheads - met with embarrassing results. Homeland Security promptly arrested the offenders and sent them off to eternal torture by pointing fingers and laughing.

(Eraserhead Jong-il)

North Korea's umm... leader, Kim Jong-il, known to the UN as Eraserhead, has denied these reports, stating that they would only have sent them to play revolutionary songs via XM satellite. Cardboard shipments to North korea have been suspended to prevent further manufacture of these weapons of ass destruction.

Get it, North Korea? Knock it off, already! Even the Chinese won't help you now! They know when they have a good thing going - going against the Americas would mean no more Olympics or Dollar Stores to sell their crap! Some people...

IN OTHER NEWS...

The company formerly known as General Motors filed for bankruptcy protection today, affecting plants in the US and Canada. Both governments are bailing the company out with taxpayer cash, because we all know we have so much. It should be up and running again within three months, with approximately 45 Billion dollars from the two countries. GM has a plan, though... they're gonna invest in oil companies, so they can still continue to build big ass trucks and cars no one wants. In a further development, GM has announced that they are changing their name but keeping their logo. They will now be known as Government Made.

Nothing like seeing your tax dollars at work, huh? Where's Sean-fuck-Penn with his money roll when you need him? Oh, right. Smoking cigarettes with the Taliban.

AND NOW, COURTESY OF ZACHARY QUINTO...

(It IS his photo, after all...)

President Barack Obama (pictured left,) in his never ending quest to appeal to ALL of America, paid a visit to the Village of the Damned today. He managed to escape unscathed, but seven Secret Service agents were devoured in the crush. They love you Mr. President, but most of all, they love your braaaaiiins....

That last one sold itself. To be honest, it's hard to come up with a good joke about the President. Well, he hasn't fucked up enough... so let's see how he reacts to the ASSFire missiles, shall we?

And that's the news. Goodnight.