Friday, December 24, 2010

Christmas from da Barrio... okay, not really.

Merry Christmas from da Barrio, Holmes…

Lemme introduce da first Christmas to you… it ain’t da way they tell it, esse…
First, you got Jose. He thinks he da baby daddy but he not.
Da baby mama, she be Maria. And then da baby, (yeah, there’s two) Jesus, (like hey – Seuss, bro) and his unknown twin, Juan. Juan became a plumber.

Den, you got da Tres Amigos – they brought presents an’ shit like tacos, burritos, and tequila.
Da dudes wit’ wings – they da Border Patrol. No helicopters back then.
Da homey wit’ da sheep is Juan Valdez, Jose’s cousin from Columbia. He said he brought coffee… I dunno.
The camel? Well hey man, everybody knows – that’s da first Lo – Rider! See da purple seat cover gold trim an’ tassels? Can hold all of them, man…
Now you know da True story of da first Christmas, man…
Feliz Navidad!

Happy Holidays from Kim and Ed!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Even Santa's Workshop has bad ideas...

Christmas ain't Christmas without music...

RUN-DMC - Christmas In Hollis (Official Music Video). Watch more top selected videos about: Run-D.M.C.

Christmas? Paid? Why not, I own your house... hum that bug.
Well, another year has come and the holidays have struck again. It's that time when we celebrate the birth of baby Jesus with something called "Black Friday" and five weeks of battling at the local Wal-Mart for the latest Playstation or Wii game. (Jesus would have wanted it that way.) In fact, if you look real close in the Black Ops commercial, you can see baby Jesus turning water into napalm... (yeah, I'll go to hell for that.)

They should put these on the back of potentially crappy gifts.
Thing is, we've had rough times in the past few years. Gifts have got to be good. You can't afford to spend the house payment money on something that will be re-gifted or end up on an episode of Hoarders because the crazy old lady down the street found it in your garbage. So, in the interest of helping you, the reader, here's some stuff you shouldn't get adults...

Sorry, Santa does good. I do naughty. Well.

So... I looked around. Turns out there's a few things you don't want to give or receive. Shit you won't find on Amazon. Maybe E-bay, yes. You can get used toilet paper there if you bid high enough. So here we go.

For the woman who wants to stay in shape... and drunk.
These are all real gifts. A wine tote bra. So what do you get if you prefer your wine in a box?

I don't know about you, but I wouldn't trust that cup of coffee.
Toilet coffee mug. Great gift for the total shit in your life, I guess.

Ummm... really? Are you seriously that lazy?
A pet... petter? If you're too lazy or germaphobic to have a real pet, try this...

Low maintenance... but not high on the affection chart.
Yes, someone made a fortune off of packing boxes with rubble. Only in America. But then, we also were the first to buy water in bottles because someone said it was cool.
The perfect gift for the OCD hoarder in your life. For the rest of us it's just stupid.
Yup. As if fanny packs weren't gay enough. Now... on to the kids. They don't re-gift, they just break it and forget about it. Wait... they do that with every toy.

Don't you just WANNA be the one to tell him?

For every item they love, there's ten that end up as sharp debris under your feet when you're going to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

It's ours.. it's real... and it's fantastic. Eat that, Terri Hatcher.
Let's see what Santa's "mentally optimistic" (brain half full) elves came up with, huh?
I always heard Dora was a whora, but seriously?
I hear if you rub the base she shoots out the top.

A Braille Rubik's cube. So blind kids can be pissed off, too.
Yeah, a blind joke. I'm not worried... not like they're going to see it.

Balls, nuts... it's all the same.
Not really a toy... unless your daughter is a young Democrat with cankles.

Don't know if this is boring or just plain creepy.
Jesus bobbing in my bath water? Just hope this wasn't a Catholic idea...

This is a Russian Roulette game. The guy who came up with this is a special kind of stupid.
Yeah, really. Nothing like preparing the ol' kids to off themselves...

Barbie's knocked up friend, Midge. Can't have Barbie ruin her figure, can we?
First, pregnant Midge. But as usual, no one cared about Barbie's skeezy friend.

Oh, maybe we can... as long as Barbie did it in high school. Even comes with a cell, money, and a little welfare check.
Pregnant Teen Barbie. Because trailer park girls need something to aspire too... and if you order now, you get free tickets to Maury to find out who Barbie's baby daddy is... 

Yup... a kid's tattoo kit. He can even do Little Mermaid tramp stamps.
Just so the trailer park boys don't feel left out, someone came up with this. Note the camo hat. Bet they're drinking real beer, though...

Ummm... yeah... for that budding cocropheliac in your family...
Hmmm... just a truly shitty gift. And that's about it for this Christmas, folks... spend your money wisely, and enjoy the lovely gifts you receive! Okay, at least pretend to. I'm sure the myrrh got re-gifted, too.

Hey! I had a night of nothing but cookies and milk! What'd you expect to see?

Merry Christmas!!!

Brought to you by...

Pirates of the Seamen Beer - for when you want a little head in your drink! Arrr!!!