Thursday, November 5, 2009

H1N1, Swine Flu, whatever. I got it.

Sort of says it all.

(Well, it's kinda like they way they said AIDS started... what? Too soon?)

So here I am. Sitting at home for the seventh day, sick and waiting to get better so I can resume my life. Why? Because I have the dreaded H1N1... granted, it's nearing the end, but it's getting better.

(I didn't get this....)

(...or wear this - hers is cool, but why get it pierced?)

(So... I ended up getting this. Not the woman, the symptom. Where's your mind, anyway?)

It's my second flu of the year. First, I had the seasonal, which the vaccine isn't out for yet, because everyone was running around trying to get ready for H1N1. Okay, fine. But I want my other vaccine when it's ready, right? I mean, they had a whole year to prepare... oh, wait. That's right. This isn't as new as anyone thinks.

(Gerald Ford getting his shot in '76 - the only brain death.)

The last Swine Flu was in 1976. 40 million people in the US were vaccinated. One person died from the disease, and 30 died from the vaccination. Yeah... that works.

(...and we will continue to use swine biological weapons against the imperialist humans until they free our brothers at ALL bacon camps... REVOLUTION!)

Well, I thought, let them try this one out. See who it kills, and if I don't fit that group, then I'll get it.

Every day I listened to the news, read the news, saw it on the internet, whether I wanted to or not - the Swine Flu was coming like a Hollywood premiere to my town soon. And to make it sound more ominous, they gave it a spooky name: H1N1. Mysterious. So mysterious it only gets letters and numbers in its name. Much scarier than swine flu, which sounds like a pig with a runny nose.

The media ran with it. Every fucking day. They are still doing it. A fair number of people I know have had it, and we're all still alive. Why? Because, in the end, it's just a fucking flu. Granted, if I hadn't ended up with it, I wouldn't have a lung infection now, but I'm not smoking, so I guess everything has a purpose. At least I'm immune. Well, until it mutates.

(Standing in the rain here in Canada, waiting for their flu shot. Yeah. Smart.)

We have the vaccine here in Canada, and right here in Manitoba in fact. But the government, in it's infinite wisdom, keeps stepping on its collective dick. First, they shipped H1N1 supplies to the Northern Reserves, who were happy to receive priority on this "pandemic" until they started opening the boxes.

(This is what they expected...)

(This is what they got... and no, it's not a suit bag.)

Imagine their surprise. I can't begin to fathom what mental process read one and did the other. It worked out for them, though. They actually ended up getting their full dosage of vaccines.

What about the rest of us? Well...

We were prioritized. If you were say, indigent, a baby, old, or health compromised, you got a shot. Basically, mostly people who don't pay for it. Not all bad news - firemen, healthcare workers and civil servants got them. Well, not ALL civil servants.

(You're more likely to get H1N1 from this guy...)

(...than this guy. But hey, cheer up, there's always Hep C, right?)

Teachers wanted priority too. They felt that dealing with unhygienic booger machines on a daily basis entitled them to their shot. They'll probably get it. Which means that I, along with the bulk of Canadians, wait. Why? Because they found that there wasn't enough to go around once the priority people were taken care of. Well, at least the guy bumming a dollar from you won't give you the flu...

Some decided to take the easy way out and queue jump - the Health Ministry took a firm stand on that, though. They said don't do that. And if you do, we can't turn you away. Uh-huh... about as firm as room temperature butter.

I took the tough way and decided to get sick instead. Well... I didn't exactly choose it. It chose me. And admittedly, I was a little worried... I mean, this is a major pandemic, right? End of the world and all that happy shit?

Not really. Seasonal flu kills more people. Last year's designer flu, the Avian or bird flu, had 429 clinical cases. 262 died. That's almost 65% mortality compared to the less than 7% mortality of this year's designer, H1N1. Not quite a pandemic.

Listen up, you jackasses at CNN and other news outlets - this is a pandemic. Malaria. It affected (clinically) 120 MILLION people in 2009, and killed 800,000. In one year. It's been around since 450 B.C. at least. But no one cares about that one... maybe we can give it a cool new name.

Want a really scary disease? Try Ebola, Zaire strain. This particularly nasty disease literally liquefies everything in the body except bone and skeletal muscle. Kills you in 21 days, no cure. 80% mortality rate (how anyone survives is beyond me.) But, since it, like Malaria, really only affects African and Third World countries, no one really gives a shit.

Oh, should I have not said that aloud?

Anyway, I've been sick since Friday and am slowly healing. I can't wait - I can only take so much of Maury Povich and "who my baby daddy is" - though I do like Judge Mathis. Come next week, I'll be healed and immune.

Then they can take my shot and give it to a cop.

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The all new Ziploc Soccer-Mom Saver - for when you're disease paranoid and want to look fashionably stupid...

(Also available in new Redneck Style - includes Wal-Mart shopping bag, duct tape and Buck Knife for making eyeholes.)